Funerals then and now
“The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.” — Marcus Tullius Cicero
It’s not that funeral homes are trying to put the “fun” in “funeral,” of course, but like all savvy businesses, they recognize that times and tastes change.
When I was 13 or so, I was allowed to host a Christmas party in our basement.
At least I was until a man in the community died and was lying in repose in the church. A sociable fellow, he had always enjoyed a few tipples and tunes.
My parents thought letting me have a party while someone was en route to their eternal rest was disrespectful. Giving flight to teenage sauciness, I quipped, “Sure no one liked a party more than him, and he’d be the first one here!”
They couldn’t dispute that, and the party was back on.
Back then, death and funerals were very serious, sombre things. Voices were hushed. Colours muted. Laughter stifled. Lights dimmed.
Today, many things about how we deal with death and bid farewell to the people we love has changed.
Death is always sorrowful, but over the last 20 years we have come to focus more on celebrating the life of the person who has passed away, even as we grieve and mourn their loss.
At Barrett’s Funeral Home in St. John’s, Robert and Colin represent the fourth generation in the funeral business their family started in 1929.
There were no customized funeral services then, but today, the Barrett brothers will accommodate any reasonable request to help families arrange a personalized sendoff.
“It’s a social event,” Robert says. “We have memory boards. People bring in photos of the person at special events in their life. … Slideshows can be shown on flat-screen TVs — life moments, almost like a history of the person’s life. It’s good for the family to have a bit of relief. We open the curtains and let the light in.”
Some families bring in mementoes of the person representing favourite pastimes — knitting needles, or a fishing rod — or bring pets in at quiet times to say their own goodbyes. At one funeral, a motorcycle was wheeled into the visitation room.
What used to be the standard — visitation from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m., funeral with clergy and two hymns, as Robert recalls from not that long ago, has changed to shorter visitations, less formal services and livelier music.
“We’ve had Johnny Cash and Elvis,” Colin says.
“And ‘Puff the Magic Dragon’” says Robert. “It’s not all ‘How Great Thou Art’ and ‘Amazing Grace’ anymore.”
“We’ve had AC/DC,” Colin adds.
Some funeral homes now offer reception rooms with catering services, to take the burden of hosting off of grieving families.
“They can just walk away afterwards — no cleanup and plenty of parking,” Robert said.
I visited Barrett’s last week to talk current trends in funerals (the other two funeral homes I contacted did not respond). The Barretts said more than half of all funerals these days involve cremation, even though burial — whether of a coffin or an urn — is still chosen by roughly 75 per cent.
Funeral fact: townies prefer wooden caskets, usually poplar; bayfolk like steel. (They cost about the same). There are “green” caskets made of recycled materials that break down faster, and plain, unstained wooden boxes for those who prefer no-frills.
The popularity of cremation has created its own niche market, pardon the pun.
You can divide ashes over multiple urns to be shared among the family, or carry a tiny portion around with you in jewelry — silver lockets and Italian Murano glass pendants, bracelet charms, and tiny pendant urns shaped like motorcycles or crosses. You can also keep ashes in mini urns under glass domes.
The urns can be as decorative or as staid as you like — a handsome wooden box, ceramic with a floral pattern, or metal topped with a battery operated candle. Some reflect a person’s passions — with a golf or fishing theme, say. Materials include ebony marble, porcelain, rosewood, pewter, brass and cherry wood.
There are also urns for cremated pets, which some people choose to have buried with them.
Or, you can plant an “Eter-nitree” — a memorial treeplanting kit that incorporates ashes, earth and seeds in a paper vessel you can plant to grow the tree species of your choice. Or, you can send your loved one’s ashes off to Switzerland where, over a three-month period, they are turned into a diamond which you can wear in a ring or necklace.
“One pound of ashes can give you a diamond,” Colin explained.
But the process is expensive. A quarter of a carat costs close to $3,000 and 1.5 carats will set you back nearly $20,000.
It’s not that funeral homes are trying to put the “fun” in “funeral,” of course, but like all savvy businesses, they recognize that times and tastes change.
If you want a traditional, religious funeral like your parents and grandparents had, you certainly can still have that.
But, as Robert observed, “Some younger generations are getting away from the church. We’ve had non-clergy funerals lately — there’s no law saying you have to. … Just because someone’s not religious doesn’t mean they shouldn’t celebrate their life. It helps the people left behind. It’s a process and it helps the family accept the person has passed.”
Amen to that.