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Pam Frampton: For some teenagers, so much of their identity and self-esteem are derived from their social media brand, it’s like their online life has superseded who they are offline.

“I never post the first selfie I take. Sometimes it takes like 70 tries.”

—Sophia, 13, in Nancy Jo Sales’ “American Girls: Social Media and the Secret Lives of Teenagers”

For some teenagers, so much of their identity and self-esteem are derived from their social media brand, it’s like their online life has superseded who they are offline.

There’s plenty of peer pressure on both platforms.

Social media — as with TV, films, magazines and advertising — grooms children and teens to look a certain way; to reach for physical ideals that are often unrealistic.

Kate (not her real name) is 18 and she spoke to me recently about social media and its influence on young lives.

She agreed it has changed the world and how kids see themselves in it, and she offers advice for parents contemplating getting their child a smartphone.

“Social media affects how you think you’re supposed to be seen…,” she explained. “Social media does perpetuate gender stereotypes — a lot. If you’re talking about body image, social media makes girls feel they have to look this way. The same for guys — they suffer from body image issues, too, they just might not talk about it as much. … And for guys, there’s only one mould — they’ve all got to be the same: muscular, with abs and sixpacks.”

She got her first iPhone in Grade 9 when her parents were finally persuaded a basic cellphone wasn’t cutting it.

“That unleashes you on social media…” she said of the smartphone. “It did take some convincing. I guess it’s a coming-of-age type of thing.”

And age is key. Kate said young girls are particularly vulnerable to social media images and messages, not all of which are positive, and for this reason parents should wait until they’re sure their child is mature enough to handle the content they’ll be exposed to.

“I can’t imagine if I had started looking at this stuff in Grade 6,” she said. “I don’t know how I would’ve handled it. It’s one thing to have role models. It’s something else to have these Instagram personalities that they watch and watch and they can never attain that. … I don’t think young girls should have Instagram yet. You can follow porn stars on it if you want.”

Some kids Photoshop their selfies as they strive for a certain standard of perceived perfection.

Kate said parents should teach themselves how to use social media apps if their kids are impressionable, to find out what kind of life they’re living online.

“Your kids should only know as much as you know,” she said of parents. “But now kids can know so much more. I have a cousin who’s 13 who has Instagram and she has pictures of girls her own age — nothing over the top, nothing that makes her look older. I told her parents her social media looks good, and they said, ‘Oh yes, we see everything she posts.’ It’s no one’s fault — if you’re a parent, you do the best for your kids… But you might not know that a cellphone could be their selfdestruct button. … These are the hardest years of your life; you’re going through puberty. … People need time to be kids.”

She said the main thing about social media is to know how to use it. Too often, she’s heard stories of how a person’s social media presence or their posts can be used against them.

“Sometimes if a guy and girl break up, I’ve seen guys threaten to post (revealing) pictures of her online if she sent them to him, and that’s insane because those pictures were sent to him from a place of trust. I had a friend who rejected a guy and he basically stalked her on social media. She felt really creeped out.”

The key to social media, as in real life, she says, is to avoid dangerous places if you can, and for that reason parents should monitor their kids.

“When my kids have their cellphones, I’m going to want to know what’s out there,” she said. “Everything.”