Imagine — a Sleazebag to call our own
It was just a matter of time. The “Twilight Zone” election of that cartoon character down south, the vacuous buffoon with the Grade 4 vocabulary, the reality show star, has fostered the emergence of a Trump wannabe right here in our own innocent, smiling land.
My trusted source, Harbour Deep Throat, tells me that his name is Sylvester Sleazebag, a resident of Bigot Bight, known as the “S.S. man” ever since becoming a Donald Devotee, and a man on a mission, as they say, who believes that if the Trump magic can perform miracles in the United States, it can certainly work in Newfoundland, and that he can already envision a parking space at Confederation Building identified as his. Premier Sylvester Sleazebag.
His campaign slogan: “Make Newfoundland Grand Again.”
For starters, Harbour Deep Throat tells me, Sleazebag has decided to ban the immigration of all mainlanders to Newfoundland, especially those who cannot adopt a Newfoundland accent, or insist on using expressions like “for sure,” butcher the pronouncement of the word “out,” or intersperse the word “eh” ad nauseam into their every comment.
Those Mainlanders already living in the province will be forced to take a “Newfoundland Values” test if they wish to stay (Sleazebag admits he has stolen the idea from another of his heroes, the enlightened Conservative Party leadership candidate Kellie Leitch, who wants all immigrants to undergo a “Canadian Values” test. Sleazebag described her as a “girl after my own heart.”)
In the case of the local “values” test, mainlanders will be forced to eat a dozen cod tongues, a seal flipper and two cans of Vienna Sausages, washed down by a half-dozen Dominion Ale, all in the space of 30 minutes, without throwing up. If they do upchuck, they fail the test and are placed on the first flight to Halifax.
And that’s only one phase of the test: the mainlanders will also be required to perform the recitation, “Smokeroom on the Kyle” while knee-deep in a snowdrift in The Battery. Stumbling over even a single word will result in a one-way ticket to the mainland.
The only exceptions to the ethnically cleansing of mainlanders will be the two imports on the Brad Gushue curling team.
Sleazebag, according to Harbour Deep Throat, also plans to build a wall between Labrador and Quebec, made entirely of birch. And the wall will be financed by Quebec. Sleazebag believes (naively, Harbour Deep Throat thinks) that Quebec will pay for the wall because of the guilt it has accumulated about the Upper Churchill contract, and the pity it has for Newfoundland’s present day Churchill River disaster at Muskrat Falls.
As to a wall between Nova Scotia and Newfoundland, Sleazebag noted (unnecessarily) that the Gulf already exists for that purpose, the watery obstacle made even more of a blockade for mainlanders by the outrageous prices charged by Marine Atlantic, and the Crown corporation’s poor service.
Sleazebag has also obtained the temporary services of Trump adviser Kelly Anne Conway to educate “his people” on the theory of “alternative facts.” Harbour Deep Throat says Sleazebag has admitted that “alternative facts” have been used by every premier in Newfoundland since Confederation, a ploy dredged up whenever politicians are cornered with an embarrassing truth.
For example: Muskrat Falls is an economic wasteland that has already gone billions and billions over budget, may put us on the road to bankruptcy, will force Newfoundlanders to pay a fortune in electrical rates, has cost its CEO his job, and has the new CEO agreeing that the project was a boondoggle from the outset.
Alternative Facts: Muskrat Falls is a magnificent, longterm investment that will pay dividends for generations upon generations of Newfoundlanders.
Taking another page from the comic book philosophy (as Harbour Deep Throat puts it) of The Donald, Sleazebag will be hiring as many family members as possible in his cabinet. His oldest daughter, Sophilia Sleazebag, will become the finance minister. Sophilia doesn’t have an Ivanka Trump wardrobe, but was voted “most likely to succeed” by her colleagues at the local fish ’n chips take-out in Bigot Bight, and did make it to Grade 11.
Sleazebag has also acknowledged that there’s a nasty tape recording making the rounds in which he allegedly talks, quite openly and bluntly, about his adventures with sheep in Bigot Bight.
But, again, in using the Trump example, he says that was then, and this is now, and he has mended his ways — has “found Jesus,” in fact.
The premier-to-be (in his mind) also plans on hiring Ryan Cleary as his press secretary, figuring the one-time journalist, NDP MP, provincial Tory candidate, fisheries rebel, etc., might be looking for a job in the near future, and, besides, Cleary’s fundraising experience will prove invaluable.
Finally, Sleazebag says he agrees with his unofficial mentor, President Trump, that all journalists are disgusting, dishonest morons.
Sleazebag promised that when he becomes premier, he will only take questions from the Newfoundland Herald, the “only trustworthy news agency” in the province.
“LET’S MAKE NEWFOUNDLAND GRAND AGAIN.”
Those Mainlanders already living in the province will be forced to take a “Newfoundland Values” test if they wish to stay…