Holiday cheer can come with a lot of baggage

Tis the season for excess, if the advertising I’m seeing almost daily is anything to go by.

The flyers are multiplying fiercely, and the messages they contain say pretty much the same thing: have more of this, get more of that, and don’t forget to double up on all these other things while you are at it.

The holidays are painted with the stain of excess, which my dictionary defines as an amount of something that is more than necessary, permitted or desirable.

It is a sharp contrast to how I have always seen any holiday celebration; not as blowouts of epic proportions but as festivals of abundance.

A number of holidays celebrate the advent of spring and new growth, Thanksgiving celebrates the harvest, and multiple early winter holidays like Solstice and Hanukkah celebrate the return or restoration of light.

My dictionary helpfully describes abundance as a very large quantity of something. When I think of Christmas in particular, I think of an abundance of joy, of love and goodwill.

But that is not an experience many people have of this holiday.

There are several reasons people dread the holidays, and over the years, I’ve read and heard several things they wish people generally could consider before assuming all was hot chocolate, cookies and sprinkles in their lives.

First is recognizing holidays come with a lot of baggage.

Perhaps it is the recent sorrow of a loved one lost, or perhaps it is the memories of holidays past laden with fear and anxiety. With an extreme focus on happiness, Christmas and the New Year themselves become overburdened with expectations. The weight of shoulds, musts and right nows sucks the joy from everything.

Second, there is a lot of pressure to do more on many fronts. Years ago, I worked with a team who developed a series of mental health coping strategies that did not require cash. One of the more memorable lines we came up with was “stuff the turkey, not yourself.”

It didn’t just refer to food, of course, but also drink, presents, activities.

Remember the difference between abundance and excess. Too much of a good thing can be bad for you as well as placing unwelcome pressure on family, friends and guests.

I recently read a series of commentaries, and while they each addressed different concerns, the conclusion was the same: respect people’s boundaries and don’t be judgmental.

I like cookies. I like them a lot. I rarely make them through the year, but come December, I have a list … and it’s a long one.

I like to share them, too. However, if you don’t care for them, that’s OK.

I don’t need an explanation as to why you have declined. Nor do I want to impose my admittedly over-the-top cookie-loving joy relentlessly on others.

Eat or don’t eat is my approach, and why you do one or the other really is up to you, not me.

I don’t need to forcefeed you cookies and you don’t need to give me a lecture on the evils of butter or sugar.

If your definition of abundance is a pound of red peppers, fine by me. If you only want to eat chocolate biscuits for 10 days straight, go right ahead. I have both and you are welcome to enjoy them.

The fundamental principles – respect boundaries, avoid judgment – should be the norm.

Yet they are often not recognized. I’ve concluded much of the anxiety and fear I see in December is rooted in the lack of respect social expectations have for people’s own agency, their ability to make decisions, even those that don’t fit your view of how things should be done.

So when our teenager said one of his wishes for the season was to have a day where the three of us just sat in the living room, reading, I was delighted.

Trust me, we’ll be doing just that. With a side of cookies and hot chocolate, too.