‘I was convinced I was going to die’
St. John’s musician and cancer survivor Paul Brace pours out his heart and soul in first solo album
It’s his first, but Paul Brace recorded it believing it would be his last.
“It’s kind of a blueprint from a guy who thought he was going to die,” he said of his debut solo album, “Liars & Actors.”
The album was made not long after the 32-year-old St. John’s musician, singer/songwriter and producer was diagnosed with cancer.
Brace describes it as a concept album that questions life, death and what comes after, and he offers listeners a highly personal piece of himself — a glimpse of the emotional rollercoaster he was experiencing at the time.
“When you listen to the album, you can actually feel the gist of the endless thoughts that were going through my head,” Brace said during a recent interview at a local coffee shop.
“Whether it was about love, my family or me questioning my mortality and what’s going to happen to me in the next couple of months, it’s everywhere.
“But it worked out and I’m really, really proud of it.”
It started in December 2017, when after one of his most successful years on the music scene, Brace noticed a series of lumps on his neck.
“Right away, I knew it was bad,” he recalled.
Through a series of biopsies and other tests, it was determined Brace had stage 4 Hodgkin lymphoma, which had spread to his chest, abdomen and bone marrow.
It was during that time, as he underwent 12 rounds of chemotherapy and didn’t know whether he would survive, Brace decided to make the album.
A bassist — who played with several acts over the past decade, including Waterfront Fire, Hot ‘n’ Proxy, Another North, Carolina East, Cody Westman, Good Time Charlie and The Need — it was time for him to step out on centre stage as frontman.
“While I love being that guy who backs up other bands and enjoys showcasing other people, I was putting a lot of that before doing my own thing and I think I was hiding behind that a little bit,” said Brace, a radio broadcaster at Coast 101.1 who was named Musicnl’s 2017 media person of the year and is nominated for the 2018 Musicnl’s side musician of the year award.
“I wanted to just do something for myself, because I was convinced I was going to die and I thought it would be a real shame if I passed away and had not have left something. So, I said I need to make an album...
“I said I need to stop wasting time. I need to stop sitting in a chair and feeling bad for myself. I need to push myself.”
Bandmates rally
Despite Brace’s suggestion to his Waterfront Fire bandmates to drop him from the group, as he thought his illness would be too much of a hindrance, the group wouldn’t hear of it and immediately rallied around him.
“They said we want to help you make your record,” he said of Andrew Boyd, Daniel George, Ben Thistle and Jordan Coaker. “I couldn’t have done this without the help of my buddies.”
Brace got a sudden scare in March, when, halfway through his treatment, he developed a pulmonary embolism, a blood clot, in his lung.
Once it was treated and he was in the clear, Brace got the boost he needed to make the album. In what he called “this manic nine-day burst of energy,” the album was complete.
He admits he can barely remember making it, as he was heavily medicated at the time.
“I don’t remember Dan playing drums. I don’t remember singing vocal takes. Some days, I would get chemo, and three hours later, I’d be there with the boys in the studio,” he said.
“I was pushing myself so hard, but it translated into the music so well.”
Everyone did their part and it
fell into place, he said.
Boyd, George and Thistle were co-writers on some of the tracks, along with Clayton Saunders and Steve Oakley, who plays bass.
Boyd and Thistle were cowriters on the title track, “Liars & Actors,” while Boyd also created the cover art.
“The album wouldn’t sound the way it does or have the same feelings and emotions as it does if I had 100 per cent done it by myself,” said Brace, who said he and the band members would often wear surgical masks during sessions so as not to compromise his immune system. “The boys were great.”
Mostly alternative tracks
The album is primarily alternative, but includes a variety of styles of music, from rock to pop and folk. It was recorded in Brace’s own studio.
The first two tracks, “Awake” and “Bringing It Back,” are his favourites, as they focus on positivity, being strong and staying alive, both physically and mentally.
“In the end, all we need is time,” and “I choose to stay alive,” he sings on “Bringing It Back.”
“Everything on the album is very personal and powerful to me,” Brace said. “It’s not an easy-listening album. It’s an emotional rollercoaster.”
Those emotions are also reflected in the album’s name, “Liars & Actors.”
“I felt like at times people were kind of acting to me, saying, ‘Oh, you’ll be fine. You’re a fighter. You’re going to beat
this,’ but they had no idea what I was going through …” Brace said.
“Then again, I was a liar and an actor because I was telling people I’m going to be fine, don’t worry about me, but in my head, I thought I was going to die.
“So, I felt like I was a liar and an actor and I felt people were actors with me, trying to make me feel better.”
After a short, but gruelling battle, Brace finished treatment on June 1. On July 9, he was declared in full remission.
Four days later, the album was released on all steaming platforms.
His passion and hard work have paid off, as Brace picked up three Music NL nominations, including alternative recording of the year and male artist of the year.
Brace will donate a portion of the proceeds of his album to Young Adult Cancer Canada, an association that helped him on the road to recovery.
“It’s another huge part of my healing,” said Brace, who was glad the association connected him with others who understood what he was going through.
He said making the album was a moving experience and it took him to places emotionally he’s never been before and hopes he never will be again.
“I’m proud to have done this during the hardest time of my life,” Brace said. “Hopefully next time I do it, I won’t be in such a weird situation.”