Political soap opera, made right here

If you happen to have paid even a token bit of attention to one of those shallow, overthe-top, cringe-inducing soap operas that have inexplicably but consistently attracted huge television audiences for generations, you’d have to think there was a Newfoundland version on display recently as more footshuffling details emerged from the legislative bullying “scandal.”

Not necessarily “As the World Turns,” but “As the House of Assembly Turns.” Not “All My Children,” but “All of Our Members.” Not “Days of Our Lives,” but “Days of Our MHAS.”

Now, granted, the plots being played out on our own Windbreaker Hill are not exactly on a par with the outrageous and implausible storylines that have shamelessly aired for nondiscriminating fans throughout North America since the 1950s: Samantha has a baby for her husband Kirk’s brother Neal, a double-amputee who had been missing in Vietnam for 40 years; Vanessa is abducted during her wedding to Neal by aliens resembling her hillbilly cousins from Arkansas; Richard seeks revenge on his father, Dan Head, for giving him a first name that will result in a lifetime of teasing…

But, hey, you take what you can get, and Newfoundland MHAS are beginning to deliver on their own soap opera scripts, captivating scenarios that have made their way from breathless journalists doing the scrum routine, to one-on-one, soulsearching studio interviews, to intellectually stimulating, gotyou-last exchanges on the floor of the House of Assembly.

And, as with all soap operas, editorial liberties have been, and will continue to be, taken. Oh, my, where to begin? Dale is at a boring Liberal party convention in Gander, as enthralling as a meeting of the International Order of the Daughters of the Empire.

You have to wonder whether he now has regrets about stabbing Lorraine in the back several years ago, if this is where he has wound up, listening to his fellow Liberals drone on with speeches that could cure insomnia, relegated to engaging in a bit of black humour on occasion to stay amused (that bit about the school fire in Bay D’espoir always goes over well), or wondering how he can turn a few detractors into allies.

And almost on cue, he spots Pam. Dale’s been meaning to have an up-close and personal conversation with Pam for some time now. But how to ingratiate himself with his colleague? The next thing you know, they’re toking up. OK, it’s not legal yet. And, yes, they are makers of law. But, come on — who hasn’t toked? (Besides the premier, that is, who has professed his nonindulgence). So Dale decides to share a joint with Pam. It’s good stuff. Nice and mild, just enough to loosen the tongue.

“I want us to work together, but you have to stop being so vocal,” he suggests to Pam, (apparently in between tokes).

Dale should have stopped there. Perhaps there would never been repercussions from the cannabis encounter. But the dope must have gotten to him.

“You are beautiful and I love you,” Dale tells Pam.

They are words he will regret.

Her spin: Strange and discomforting.

His spin: He was telling Pam he loved her in “an aging punk rocker 1980s way.”

The he said/she said verdict from Bruce the Arbiter: Dale was out of line.

Soooooo: Will Dale be admitted back into the caucus? Will he share a seat (but never another toke) with Pam? Will Ches see if Dale is interested in changing his colours still again? Orange to red to blue? Will Dale be forced to shave off his beard, the last residue of his socialist days? Who’ll pick up the tab at the next eat-out with Dale?

And, while we’re at it, there are other questions begging for answers in Newfoundland’s never-ending soap opera:

Will Sherry and Tracey ever talk to Eddie again?

Could Eddie get a position with a hiring agency if he’s forced from politics?

Perhaps he could use his spare time helping ex-politico fishman Ryan with a Gofundme campaign?

And how about poor Colin? Is he still upset about being sworn at by Eddie? Does the f-word still give him the shakes?

There’s obviously more to come.

And, to use that ancient promo for radio and television soaps: Stay tuned, folks.

“Bold and Beautiful on The Rock” returns soon.

Or is it “Days of Our Dale”?

The next thing you know, they’re toking up. OK, it’s not legal yet. And, yes, they are makers of law. But, come on — who hasn’t toked?