‘Generational shift in thinking and views on relationships’
Why more people are staying single or divorcing
Pam Macneil has received a few proposals throughout her long-term relationships and enjoys the idea of a permanent relationship. But she believes marriage is better in theory than in practice, so she’s said no every time.
“I am very happy with my daughter, with a dream career, instead of acting around the plans of a partner,” says the Conception Bay South woman
Like Macneil, many people are opting for cohabitation or a life of being single than marriage.
According to vital statistics from Nova Scotia, marriage rates have decreased significantly in the past 50 years. In the 1970s, marriage rates were between seven to nine per 1,000 people, dropping to just four in the past few years, and two since the start of COVID-19.
William Mercer, minister at Wesley United Church in St. John’s, has seen a shift in marriage attitudes over his 32-year career, and a decline in the number of weddings he performs.
Marriage used to be the expected goal of a relationship, he says. Now, it’s more of a stage in a relationship that has already been well established, as evidenced by people now having longer engagements.
He’s also seen the move from church weddings to other venues and notices people are waiting until they are older before marrying and usually already live together. Many couples already have children together.
Living together before marriage, says Mercer, is no longer an issue in the eyes of society and is no longer taboo.
“There has been a generational shift in thinking and views on relationships,” he says.
DIVORCE OR SEPARATION
Many couples may not be married legally, but are emotionally married, says psychologist Ken Pierce, who operates The Pierce Institute of Psychology in Stratford, P.E.I.
According to research, Pierce says for every 100 marriages, approximately 50 per cent end in divorce. Of those, about 25 per cent stay single while the other half remarries.
Of those who never divorce, 25 per cent stay together because they want to, but the remainder stay together for reasons like safety, financial security, religious values, or their children’s well-being.
Some of the divorce rates can be explained by the fact that it’s easier to get divorced and it doesn’t carry the same social stigma it has in generations past, says Mercer.
Divorce rates, however, do not act as a deterrent to marriage, he says.
“It could have some influence, but I believe most people enter marriage thinking it is for the long-term,” he says.
WHAT CAUSES DIVORCE?
The vulnerability-stress-adaptation model can help explain why some couples divorce, says Diane Holmberg, a psychology professor at Acadia University in Wolfville, N.S.
It suggests some people come into relationships more vulnerable to experiencing problems, whether due to personality traits or past experiences. These factors can lead to weaknesses in how a couple manages conflict, supports each other in times of stress, or copes with stressors.
“Those poor adaptive processes may eventually lead to lower marital quality, and eventually divorce,” she says.
Stressful events — especially chronic ones that occur over time, like poverty — can also make it harder. And don’t forget that circumstances simply change as well.
“A relationship may be functioning perfectly well, and then something goes awry. One partner loses their job, or maybe a child becomes seriously ill. They might have had adequate resources to cope with their usual stressors but aren’t sufficiently equipped to deal with these new challenges,” explains Holmberg.
Couples who come into marriages with some challenges can make it work if the stressors stay low or if they learn, maybe through counselling, how to adapt.
“If we’re not good at supporting each other or coping with stress, it makes even minor stressors seem worse,” says Holmberg.
“If we’re good at supporting our partner, it will predict better marital quality. But also, if we’re in a happier relationship, we’re more willing to devote the time and energy it takes to support our partner.”
Besides internal factors, external and cultural factors play a part. If divorce is socially acceptable, easier to achieve, there are alternative relationships available or someone is OK being on their own, people are more likely to divorce.
SEPARATION AND COHABITATION
On average, those who live together before marriage are more likely to divorce, says Holmberg.
“It’s not that cohabitation causes problems in the relationship; rather, that those who cohabit tend to be different in many respects, like younger, less financially stable, less religious, less committed to the institution of marriage, and less certain they absolutely want to be married to this particular person. These are all factors that predict divorce,” says Holmberg. Living together first won’t necessarily predict marital bliss — but it might help you figure out you shouldn’t be together.
“Cohabitation itself is not necessarily a problem. Being very unsure of your relationship or sliding into cohabitation and then marriage because it seems like the next logical step but without any real enthusiasm, is a problem,” she says.
COVID-19 IMPACT
COVID-19 could challenge to relationships, says Holmberg.
Tragedies like 9/11 have been associated with lower divorce rates — this sort of event can make couples come together and treasure what’s important — while natural disasters, like hurricanes, have been associated with increased divorce rates.
Holmberg speculates the difference is that natural disasters upended a community, causing ongoing housing and job challenges, while a horrific tragedy like 9/11 does less economical damage.
It’s too soon to know what the long-term effects of COVID-19 will be in North America, but Holmberg says some early data from China suggests increased divorce rates. Anecdotally, East Coast divorce lawyers are reporting getting lots of calls, but it’s unknown how many couples will follow through.
HAPPY MARRIAGES
“The secret to a happy marriage is like the search for the Holy Grail,” says Jean Day, of Waverly, N.S., who has been married to her husband Don for 53 years.
“It takes a lot of hard work.” Pierce says when couples come in for therapy, the seven most common issues are spiritual, mental, career, financial, social, family, and physical health.
“The idea of a happy marriage is like looking for a unicorn, a leprechaun or Santa Claus — a fantasy never to be achieved,” added Pierce.
Marital satisfaction typically changes over time, says Holmberg, usually starting very high, dropping some over the first few years, then stabilizing. The drop is larger for couples who have children but is usually present for both types of couples.
As for the famed seven-year itch? There isn’t much to this, says Holmberg.
On average, divorces peak around that time, but she points out they have to peak at some time. If a couple starts their marriages in a less-good place, they tend to divorce quickly. Others start a marriage very satisfied, but then show declines over time.
“For these couples, it’s usually not that the relationship ends up terrible; it just isn’t as good as it had been, and they get disillusioned and leave,” she explains. “That takes longer, more like seven to 10 years.”
LONG-TERM SUCCESS
For Day, the bottom line to marital success is communication. Every marriage has stresses and strains, she says, but a supportive partner is the best gift you can give yourself.
“Everyone has differences in opinions; however, having the same core values and life goals are key,” she adds.
Day envies couples who say they never argue but admits that’s not the case in her house.
“We are two Type A personalities with definite opinions on most things. But I have to admit that sometimes I am actually wrong and my husband is right,” she says.
Recognizing your faults and admitting them is important, she says, as is listening to your partner.
“It all comes back to good communication and validation of your partner’s feelings and opinions. Without it, you’re doomed,” says Day.
Mercer believes love, trust and respect are the three components of a strong marriage. Communication is vital, as are realistic expectations.
Although Mercer believes there has indeed been a shift in attitudes toward marriage over time, he still believes that those who value it hold it in high regard.
“I believe individuals give more thought into marriage before entering it than in years past,” he says.