Parents fret over daughter’s relationship

Dear Amy: My 20-year-old daughter is in love with her former soccer coach, who is 53.

When she was 16, he started coaching her team in high school. After graduating she assisted him as a coach. Apparently the affair started in earnest last year.

He is not employed and is married with three children; his oldest is the same age as my daughter. He and his wife are now divorcing.

She saw a therapist and was dismissed due to her disinterest in the process.

My husband and I have spoken to four different therapists; all saying she should be released into the world, because she wants to control her own life. I agree with this. My husband wants her to stay home. We are divided about what to do. We have agreed that she will only get financial help for school. If she communicates with him with the phone we pay for and sees him with the car we pay for, then she has to pay for them.

Her goal is to save enough to move out. She has a part-time job and goes to college full time. They can’t make it on her part-time salary. Please give us your thoughts. — UPSET PARENTS

Dear Upset: You obviously deplore your daughter’s choices and her judgement. I assume you have an extremely low opinion of the man she is in love with.

You have set up strict financial controls with the phone and car, requiring that you monitor her (impossible to do). Either pay for them, or have her pay for them. Don’t use these things to control her.

You should continue to offer housing and school tuition as long as she stays in school, full time.

You should decline to fight with her about this. You don’t want to make things so difficult that she clings even harder to this other relationship.

If she doesn’t like the deal she has at home, then tell her she is free to leave, but she will lose your financial support. She will face the natural consequences of her actions, which include disappointing her parents and being a party to the hurt and heartbreak of another family.

You should let her know that you will always love her, no matter what. Don’t disown her out of anger, but allow her to leave home with your blessing. There is a big difference between the two.