Stepmother doesn’t want to see husband’s ex

Dear Amy: My stepdaughter died last week from cancer. Her husband invited his family and friends to the funeral. I knew I’d be seeing my husband’s ex there. I left the room when they said goodbye to their daughter; I wanted to give them their space.

In a few months my stepdaughter’s husband wants to bring her cremains to our land to be buried under a small tree. He wants to invite all of his family (50 people, at least), and invite my husband’s ex, too. This, I do not want.

Do I have to let her come to our home? I am an introvert, so I am also freaking out about all of my husband’s family also coming here. I have been taking medication for anxiety already, due to my stepdaughter’s suffering and death. I feel I cannot handle that many people at my home! I know my husband will overrule me, so now I feel like my only option would be to just leave for the day and let them do their thing — and I’ll do mine. Am I wrong to feel this way? — ANXIOUS Dear Anxious: You are not “wrong” to feel this way, but I do believe that you should try to respect your husband’s choices regarding his daughter. You should work with your therapist to come up with strategies to deal with this, both beforehand and on the day. Please try to see your husband’s ex not as his former spouse, but as a grieving parent. This is a one-time occurrence, happening on one day, and then it will be over.

You being quietly supportive from the background — and then quietly exiting on the day might be a good solution for everyone.

ASK AMY