LIFE Suffering in silence
Movember campaign raises further awareness of male depression and suicide
JOANNE RICHARD Silence is deadly. Staying mute about mental health is killing men. Time to Unmute and Ask Him, stresses Movember.com’s newest campaign on suicide prevention. Sometimes just a conversation can save a life.
Suicide is the current leading cause of death for men between the ages of 15 and 39 in Canada, and, shockingly, men make up 75 per cent of all suicide deaths in Canada.
“Eight men die by suicide in Canada every single day,” says Craig Martin, global director of Mental Health & SuicidePreventionfortheMovember Foundation, a stellar charity raising funds and awareness about men’s health.
That’s more than 50 men dying each week. It’s an epidemic, but a silent one: Collective socialization teaches boys to “suck it up,” and “toughen up,” in the face of adversity. Dominant notions of masculinity keep men silent, ashamed to access mental health services.
“When men believe they are not meeting that standard, they feel a sense of shame and defeat,” says Martin. It’s easy to lose hope. Toughing out emotional distress has men self-medicating through drugs and alcohol and at its worst, suicide.
“When it comes to male suicide, we are unfortunately losing the battle right now ...
“Sure, we’re definitely discussing mental health more, but the silence is deafening and deadly when it comes to male depression, anxiety, and suicide. “Eleven per cent of men will suffer depression in their life.”
The silencing of a friendship early last summer left David Laskovski heartbroken, struggling with confusion, anger, guilt and shame after the suicide of his friend, Steve.
“I felt like I had been a bad friend. How did I not see it coming?” asked Laskovski, a 911 dispatcher who gets suicidal callers all the time.
“We’re trained to get the information quickly and send help immediately.”
This was one time he couldn’t help — there was no call from Steve.
“It’s difficult for men to talk freely and ask for help because of toxic masculinity and stigma.”
The 34-year-old beat himself up with punishing “what if” questions: “What if I had spent more time with him? Would I have seen the signs clearer? It was almost like I was condemning myself for failing to predict Steve’s suicide or to intervene.”
Laskovski grieved that Steve had suffered in silence.
According to Martin, feelings of hopelessness, of not knowing how to talk about what they are going through,orfeelingliketheydon’twant to burden anyone with their experiences are all a part of why some men may choose suicide. Unfortunately, the research shows men who are considering suicide often use more lethal means, and tragically, are more likely to be successful in their attempts to die by suicide.
“When you suffer in silence, you’re on your own,” says Martin. “If you’re already in a dark place, your head can be pretty unforgiving, accelerating feelings of unworthiness or despair.”
Talking about how you’re feeling takes you out of your head and into the world. It allows someone else to help.
“Our research has shown that a majority of men say they are there for their friends when they need support, yet considerably fewer men are prepared to go to someone when they’re struggling themselves — bringing to life the need for those around men to take themselves off ‘mute’ and start the conversation,” says Martin.
“Telling someone about the pain and loss and suffering you’re experiencing doesn’t mean you’re less of a man — it means you’re brave.” adds Laskovski, who is now trained in Applied Suicide Intervention Skills and trains others at Emergency Services. Unmute and speak up. “What we really need is for men to actually man up and share their stories with other boys and men. Having strong male role models talking openly about their mental health and their emotions tells other boys and men who are listening that, ‘Hey, I’m not alone and he’s super cool and manly and yet he’s talking about things that are bothering him. I guess it’s OK for me to do the same,’ ” says Laskovski.
Keep the conversation going: “We need to equip our boys, young men, and men with the tools to articulate their emotional distress and we all need to role model and practice talking with vulnerability about mental health and well-being,” says Jermal Alleyne, a 29-year-old program director at Next Gen Men.
He lost his 13-year-old brother to suicide.
“Building community support to redefine ideas about masculinity and encourage men to take care of their mental health and well-being can help decrease rates of suicide in Canada,” Alleyne says.