Friend feels trapped by gift- giving pals

Dear Amy: I have been friends with three women since we were 13 years old. We are all nearing 50 now.

It has always been tradition for us to get together for birthdays and Christmas, and we give gifts to one another for those occasions.

In the past few years, it has been hard for me to afford the gift- giving. I’m working multiple jobs, but I am barely keeping up with my bills.

I have told them how difficult it is for me, year after year, but all they tell me is NOT to worry about giving anything. That doesn’t make me feel better. I feel very guilty. I would never feel right about attending one of our get- togethers empty- handed.

I won’t be buying gifts for anyone in my family this year. I love these ladies and enjoy their company when we get together, but I’m resenting my obligation to buy gifts for them when we only make time to see each other for these “gift grab” occasions.

Should I continue to cave, and follow the age- old pattern of giving gifts to them when I really can’t afford it?

— FEELING HOPELESSLY SCROOGEY

Dear Scroogey: You are sounding very resentful over this pattern, and yet you also report that when you have brought up your situation, all of these women tell you not to worry about bringing a gift.

Your inability to drop your feeling of being obligated seems more like a refusal at this point.

These get- togethers do not sound like a “gift grab” to me, and it is unkind of you to refer to these celebrations that way.

In my family of ( many) women, we have gradually stopped giving gifts for these occasions, and exchange cards instead. This practice started gradually, and now is a treasured aspect of our birthday lunches. The person being honoured goes home with a stack of cards — some homemade, and some from the drugstore rack — and it is awesome.

It is time for you to be brave enough to trust these lifelong friends. What they are telling you is that your friendship is the gift they want to receive. If you give a card, it might inspire your friends to also make a transition away from material giving, but it is important that you respect their choices, too, and receive their generosity with grace and gratitude.

Dear Amy: I am a part of a circle of friends that tend to do things together ( girls’ nights, weekend getaways, etc.). Obviously, some of us are closer than others, and that ebbs and flows, but this seems largely accepted. One of the women, however, has an issue when she is not included.

I don’t mean that all of us make plans and exclude “Mary” — I’m talking about if two of the group mention that they had dinner together last week, or met for a drink, Mary will literally pout and fret about being “ditched.” Mind you, this is someone in her 60s.

Now, two of us, along with other friends who are NOT part of this group, are planning a vacation together and have rented a house in a sunny place for a week in the winter. Mary’s extreme neediness and tendency to drink too much has convinced us that inviting her would be a bad decision.

There is no way we can hide the fact that we are vacationing without her. How do I phrase the explanation as to why we aren’t including her?

I don’t know if she’ll be satisfied with the basic truth

— that it just happened.

— WORRIED

Dear Worried: Please, whatever you do, don’t say that this vacation “just happened.” Drunken weddings in Vegas might “just happen,” but vacations are planned.

You and your group- friend are going on this holiday with others not in your friendship circle. If you don’t want to confront “Mary” about her drinking ( which would place the responsibility for being excluded squarely on her), you could say to her, “Mandy and I are planning this week away with other people who you don’t know. I know from experience that it upsets you not to be included, but I don’t expect to be included in all of your events, and others in our group understand that we don’t always do everything together, and so I hope that you can understand this, too.”

Don’t let Mary’s pouting and fretting manipulate you, but understand that this is her way of coping. If you don’t act guilty or at fault, her distress should be proportional.

ASK AMY