Keep your options open
Q. I’m a man, 33, with a good job/income and my own place, enjoying the single life. I keep my profile on a couple of dating sites and have no trouble meeting and hooking up with women.
In my 20s, I had one five-year relationship, which became oppressive. My ex was always “correcting” me, telling me what to wear, what to eat, what to say, etc.
I left to save my sanity 18 months ago. Now, I go out a lot, have great dates with attractive women who just want a good time.
I have as much sex as I want, without any hassles. I also have a few “friends with benefits” and we all know where we stand.
My problem is my two sisters. They accuse me of “using” women and refusing to “grow up.” But I’m not making false promises to anyone or coercing anyone for sex.
My sisters say I’m wasting my life. What’s your take on their negative view of me?
A. Your sisters are worried about you and also worried about any women who may think they have a chance with you, beyond fun and sex. They naturally don’t like to think that you may be taking advantage of some women. But let’s consider your own opinion. You had one relationship that soured, and you now want hassle-free female company and sex.
You feel that you’re up front about it.
Well, if on dating sites and in person, you’re clear that you’re uninterested in anything beyond a good time including sex, that’s considered “fair disclosure” in adult dating circles.
Yet anyone past 20 — especially a man with two sisters — knows that women are, in general, likely to develop emotional attachments with men they date regularly.
You’ll have to resist seeing any woman too often. And be certain that your FWB’s remain coolly detached. If all that’s working, why feel discomfort with your sisters’ opinions? Or bother to seek mine?
I suspect that your one sour relationship frightened you from ever allowing emotion- al feelings again. Meanwhile, increasingly, your peers will be talking about marriage and having children. Some will declare that they’ve found love and happiness. I say, keep your mind and options open.
Commit to being partners
Q. Though I was initially in love with my husband of six years, things deteriorated due to family influence, financial pressures and life stresses.
I’ve been doing everything for us financially and for him and our children. We recently fought. He occasionally tends to go crazy — shouting, throwing stuff, etc.
This time I called the police. Afterwards, he left and has stayed with his mom. He’s called it quits. I’m pregnant and heartbroken. I want him to go back to the person I met years before, to be there for me and our family.
A. Tell him you want, and can have, a better life together. Say that throwing things is uncontrolled anger and frightened you that it could harm your unborn child.
Offer to go to counselling with him and work at giving up your own resentments at his leaning on you, while both of you learns to disagree without aggression.
Mean it. Commit to being partners, first, and hope he can do the same.
Come on, man!
Feedback: Regarding my view as a man, of the husband whose wife wants to sleep with multiple partners (April 18):
Reader: “She can sleep with whomever she wants, as many times as she wants. That’s her choice, but it’s not his.
“To me, it’s simple — if she wants to pursue that lifestyle, let her, but as for yourself, make your own choice. If it were me, my bags would be packed and I would be out of there, as I’m equally entitled to my choice.
“For her to say that she wants her husband to be her “primary” partner is beyond arrogant and somewhat narcissistic.
“This “choice” is obviously rooted in her playing this man for years, and him acquiescing.
“He can either state his true feelings and act on them, or do nothing and disguise it as he did before when he states, “I’m now grappling with my emotional maturity.”
“Come on, man!”