Time to develop a plan
Q. My husband and I have been together for four years. Sadly, the ex-wife is still creating many problems — threats, going to court, reporting him missing.
She tried to go to a battered women’s shelter the last time he visited their son. He had to call a family friend to the house to help him deal with the ex.
She also called a mental health line to take the child away. His family had to step in so that children’s services wouldn’t take the child.
The psychologist had told my husband to never expect her to co-operate.
Recently, we had the child in our care for the day with the ex’s permission. But later, when he’d missed her text by just minutes, she became hysterical that he may’ve kidnapped the child.
I feel like reporting her to the authorities because she’s getting even bolder.
How can we stop this?
A. I understand that it’s hard for you to feel any compassion for her. But this woman needs therapy for what she believes is an ongoing threat against her and her child.
Her own family must recognize this. If possible, your husband could ask the family friend to encourage them to get help for her.
Since she is very reactive, he should speak to a family court adviser and/or a lawyer who specializes in difficult relationships regarding shared custody.
Meanwhile, ask police and family court when and how to report her if you’re ever convinced that she’s a danger to the child, your husband or you.
Cheater has what he wants
Q. I’m 21, dating a guy for one year. He’s married and has a baby boy.
I never knew that he was married when we started our relationship. When he told me about it, I couldn’t leave him. I couldn’t give up on our being together.
He said that he no longer has physical relations with his wife.
Can that be possible? How far can I be- lieve him?
He said that he’s going to divorce her in two years.
Please suggest something to help me because I’m feeling so lonely every night when he goes home.
A. You have a choice. You’re old enough to decide whether you want to believe everything he says and wait two years ... and then maybe be given a reason to wait some more. But since you don’t have a lot of life experience at 21, I’ll tell you how these situations usually work out:
The cheating husband already has what he wants for now — a home and child being taken care of by his wife, a girlfriend for sex and feeling like he’s still a single guy free to do as he pleases.
The girlfriend is ultimately left behind, when the man misses his son and family life ... or the cheating becomes too hard to conceal, or expensive. Or the young girlfriend recognizes that she’s wasting her own good years when she could meet someone who’s honest from the start, trustworthy, and wants her for the long-term, not just for the nights he can get away.
Better off alone
Feedback regarding the woman who called police on her husband but wants him back (May 9):
Reader: “She’s been carrying the household load already and should not take him back.
“She needs to understand that she’s capable of operating without his leeching and destructive behaviour.
“She should not invite the chaos and unhelpfulness back. She’s only feeling she needs him there because it’s familiar.
“There are many problems and asking him to reconsider is not the solution. Even if she doesn’t ask him back, he’ll return soon enough. That’s when she’ll need to have the skills to say she’s moved on and is better off alone.”
Ellie: She wrote that she was “heartbroken,” and “not ready to say goodbye.”
He certainly demonstrated that he needs anger management. You make good points that he may never change. I agree that she’d have to be very sure that he’s learning to redirect his anger to positive efforts to improve their family life.
ellieadvice.com