Respect and support family
Q. I’m in trouble with my two 30-something daughters because I told them they need to marry a wimp or a low-key guy, to have a good marriage.
My ex, her sisters, their father, and my daughters all have strong abrasive personalities. Their favourite expression is, “Am I right, or am I right?”
Despite having good looks, they can’t keep boyfriends for more than a few months.
I told them to each search for an unmotivated guy who’ll accept their personalities.
Not a driven career-focused guy or hardworking man. Those types of ex-boyfriends created too much conflict or drama.
Instead, they should find a guy who’s been living in the same apartment for ten years and wants to keep the same old job.
They’re the only types who could handle or accept my daughters’ moods.
Am I wrong to suggest they adjust expectations, so they can be married long-term?
A. I wish you were joking here. If so, I’d say it’s a crummy attempt at humour.
But if this is the actual approach you used to advise daughters regarding choosing life partners, it’s still crummy because of how you describe and communicate with them.
Perhaps they have as difficult personalities as you describe. BUT — unless they share your twisted humour and also accept your advice on face value — you’ve insulted rather than encouraged your daughters.
If these two attractive women in their 30s are actually seeking long-term relationships, and keep choosing men that have difficulty getting along with them, they need therapists, not wimps.
They need to get beyond the limits of their experience to recognize how their own behaviour patterns affect their dating and romantic relationships.
That’s the kind of respectful, supportive, but realistic advice they should get from a concerned and caring parent.
“He’s the issue”
Q. I’ve been dating my “boyfriend” for just under a year.
Early in our relationship he didn’t want to commit to labels or being officially together. Over time, he agreed we were boyfriend/ girlfriend and exclusive.
Now, six months later, I made a comment referencing him as my boyfriend.
His friend made a joke asking why I thought he was my boyfriend.
I feel like my “boyfriend” is telling me one thing and telling his friends something else.
Sometimes I feel that he’s with me because he feels like he can’t get anyone else.
If I were to mention his friend’s comment, he’d dismiss me or make me feel like my feelings are creating a bigger issue.
I wish he would break up with me if that’s how he feels.
A. Repeat these next words to yourself: It’s how you feel that has to matter most.
You’re not a mind reader to guess at what he’s telling others. You’re a person with feelings that have to be respected, and you have to ensure that happens.
Ask him if he’s downplaying your relationship in front of his friends, not acknowledging you as his girlfriend.
If he blames you for “creating an issue,” walk away, period.
He’s the issue.
“I feel a change in myself”
Reader’s Commentary: “When my youngest son said I was racist, I was incensed. What did he mean? I was liberal, community-spirited and conscientiously inclusive.
“We’re a multicultural family. He was brown, I was pink, and it didn’t matter because I loved every bit of him.
“Four years later, I haven’t been able to forget his words.
“I made myself conscious of my own words. I noticed that in everyday descriptions of people we often include colour for everyone who’s not white or pink.
“I started not including skin colour in any conversation.
“Initially weird, it soon came naturally and I feel a change in myself.
“I wanted to write this somewhere and since I’ve often imagined asking you for a solution, I thought I’d share an answer I found.”
Ellie: Yours is a simple yet profound insight!
ellieadvice.com