Time to set cottage rules

Q. My husband and I recently bought a cottage with money we’d both saved, plus money from my mom.

One of my sisters-in-law wants me to let one of her sons use the cottage with his two buddies, whom she’s never met. She gave him keys to the cottage without asking us (neither of us have keys to their properties), saying that her son can’t ever prove himself unless “we” give him the chance.

I said that I’m not looking to have anyone prove themselves to me. My concern is for the safety of the cottage (which neither I nor my husband have had a chance to enjoy yet ourselves).

Both this sister and her son like to drink, and he’s had criminal charges.

I have high blood pressure and severe sleep apnea, for which I’m receiving medical help. I don’t need the stress of worrying about a significant possession while feeling forced by my husband and his family to do whatever they want.

This same sister-in-law recently borrowed money in the thousands from us. In both situations, she never talked to me about any of this but went behind my back to her brother.

I haven’t been employed for almost 20 years, have no income of my own and depend on my husband, who bullies me, even though my past income helped us pay off our home.

He gave cottage keys to both his sisters since they live closer to it than we do. He wanted them to check it once a month in exchange for using it. (He did this without asking me.) Neither of us expected her to give a copy of this key to one her sons.

Meanwhile, any of his family, including nieces and nephews with their friends, were told they can stay there so long as one of us is present. But my husband says that’s not what “they” want.

A. When it comes to free access to a cottage, most people’s families grab the chance. That’s why even the most generous cottage-owners usually discuss and mutu- ally agree on some basic rules about who can be there as guests in your presence and the limited number who can stay there without you.

Generally, teens and young adults who don’t yet own their own place, or those known for their party behaviour, are considered a greater risk not only to the property but to their own safety (for which you’re both responsible as co-owners).

Tell your husband that having no firm boundaries for visitors is a mistake he’ll regret both in costs (damages to the cottage, its furnishings, etc.) and in consequences, if anyone is physically harmed. However, the cottage is only an unfortunate flashpoint in the divide between you two at this time. You’re partners both in life and in your joint ownerships, but he acts alone.

You’d be wise to talk to a lawyer privately and then inform your husband of what he’d lose if he continues to bully you to the point of you wanting to separate.

Insist that he get the key back from the nephew you don’t fully trust. His sisters must be told that they don’t have the right to hand it out.

More important, you two need marital counselling. His controlling attitude affects your health issues, which are exacerbated by stress.

Feedback regarding lonely grandparents: “Several friends and acquaintances and I are in this position. It can be months between phone calls from my daughter.

“I only see her and my granddaughter once yearly, though they live only a six-hour drive away. She claims they’re so busy with work, activities, etc.

“Here’s the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’: On a girls’ weekend trip, my daughter informed me on Mother’s Day morning that they were leaving by noon to drive home as she had laundry to do!!!

“I’ve not had a telephone call since.” Ellie: For your granddaughter’s sake, don’t give up. While your daughter was thoughtless regarding Mother’s Day, parents of today’s youngsters are very busy if working, managing chores, food and driving to kids’ activities. And she had a six-hour drive ahead. Try visiting her place and spending your time with the child.