Man I loved left me alone when I was near death

Q: I’ve been with him since I was 18. He’s the only man I’ve ever loved.

Then last year I suddenly came very close to dying of sepsis. We’d been going through a rough time dealing with an unwanted pregnancy which I ended up miscarrying due to the sepsis.

However, he went home without even saying goodbye my first night in hospital. He had no compassion for me when I had the procedure to remove the dead fetus, after I miscarried.

After I’d spent a week in hospital, his attitude changed and he came to be with me every day, brought me anything I asked for, said the reality of me not being around had scared him.

I spent five weeks in hospital. Now, five months later, I’m making snide comments to him. I ignore him sometimes when he tells me he loves me.

I keep thinking: “How could you leave me alone when I was in so much pain, or when they told you that in another 12 hours I would’ve been dead?”

“You still left, when OUR baby died, only saying, ‘there’s that problem fixed.’ Why should I forgive that just because you decided you missed me?”

I’m willing to work on our relationship but when does it start being good again ... or will it ever?

Hospital Nightmare

A: You can’t work on the relationship and punish your husband. It’s true that he reacted badly/coldly to your miscarriage, even if the pregnancy was unplanned. But he tried hard to redeem himself when he realized the mortal danger you’d been in from sepsis.

Meanwhile, you’re experiencing the emotional/psychological whammy of having faced death, and also mourning the miscarriage. These are strong blows affecting you both, requiring healing. Work on your- self, and suggest he does the same, to accept the fears, pain and anger, too, that you each felt.

You’d benefit from couples counselling if you both acknowledge that this is a turning point in your relationship.

Q: We arrived home from our vacation in Greece. Our two-year-old was hungry, tired, dirty, as was I.

My mother-in-law opened my door. I had no idea my in-laws would be there.

I was very angry when I saw sheets and my sweater, left in the kitchen, now destroyed with blue food colouring.

My father-in-law said his wife had been searching for something. My husband was in our bedroom, which his parents had occupied, with his mother. It was 2 a.m.

Next morning, I stripped the linens though my MIL said they wouldn’t be leaving until the next day.

My husband said that was OK with him, but I insisted they get out immediately. I wanted to settle our son and myself to make sure he was OK for his daycare. My husband wouldn’t speak to me and spent the morning with his parents.

I’m angry and frustrated. I intend to divorce my husband now because this pattern has been developing since we married. Is this extreme?

In-law Invasion

A: Every adult and action in this story seems “extreme.” Your in-laws obviously had a key to your house and had been told they could use it while you’re away.

If your husband kept that secret from you, the relationship between you and your in-laws was already strained. And the one with your husband isn’t honest.

Rushing to divorce is, nevertheless, an extreme step to take, especially with a twoyear-old involved ... unless the “pattern” you describe involves your husband and in-laws always doing as they please without considering you as his equal partner. Ellie’s Tip of the Day

Dramatic illness can upset a relationship through fear, hurt and anger.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca