My ex never stood up to his daughter’s attacks on me

The following is a cautionary tale: Reader’s Commentary regarding the letter-writer who couldn’t understand why her boyfriend wouldn’t stand up to his adult daughter about the couple’s relationship plans (May 5):

My husband and I were deeply in love, and had what I thought was a solid marriage of 12 years (following five years living together common-law). When I raised the topic of a will, he finally revealed that his house in the Caribbean was being willed to his two children.

This response, after we married without a pre-nuptial, after I’d put my inherited funds into a joint bank account and spent $250,000 to totally renovate that island house. He told me not to worry because his daughter is very sweet and if he died before me she’d let me use the house.

His son wasn’t even considered in this discussion, because of his health issues. I felt deceived and betrayed by my husband.

I felt that my own children should at least get the $250,000 when we both passed, with his daughter getting the house.

When she learned of all this, I received an email so full of hate and venom, calling me every awful name and including ugly accusations. She wouldn’t allow me to attend family celebrations or see her baby, my stepgrandchild.

This went on for more than two years with my own children supporting whatever made me happy, telling me they didn’t care about the house or money, and not to break my marriage up for that.

My husband outright said there wasn’t a bit of truth in his daughter’s horrible verbal assault of me, but he wouldn’t stand up for me even slightly. We went to marriage counselling for many months, but no matter what advice was dispensed regarding his daughter, he couldn’t implement it.

The counsellor told him there was one too many women in our marriage, but my ex couldn’t get it, even when the counsellor asked, “Why don’t you just marry your daughter?”

After years of incredible hurt, I finally left. My husband didn’t have my back at all. His daughter got her wish and her house. Now he’s miserable, lonely and missing me and I’m slowly recovering from utter despair.

That poor woman who wrote to you, who wondered why her partner keeps her and their plans a “secret” from his daughter, may have deeper problems than she knows.

My ex couldn’t stand up for himself, me or us. Now I understand why they had closed-door meetings all those years. I was never included in any indepth or problematic conversations.

Stepdaughter Came First

A: It’s a manipulative relationship between adult children and their divorced fathers or mothers that’s heard too often by professional therapists. But it’s often a harsh surprise to the next spouse.

Call it the manipulative child syndrome (or the jealous and manipulative daughter in this case), but you’re describing a campaign by your husband’s daughter launched way back, with you too polite to question their closed-door discussions.

It often starts with the parent’s guilt, which is more common when a father moves out from the family home. The ex (wife or husband) may be the kids’ model for exercising power — refusing access, changing visitation days, etc. — and the daughter (or son) a quick study.

Unsurprising, the fight for control escalates when there’s money sought through a will, or outright gifts, often unknown to the innocent spouse, as in your case.

Better to be free of them all.

Ellie’s tip of the day

When an adult child manipulates/ controls the parent’s next marriage, the partner should consider leaving them both.