Therapist will help sort out feelings for ex

Q I’m five years out of a separation/divorce from my ex. I was together with her for 23 years.

She left me without any warning, and I later found out she was with my ex-friend.

The breakup and ensuing relationship was very tense and has been verbally abusive.

Soon after, I met a wonderful woman and overall I feel very happy with her.

As time has moved on, I am still haunted by memories of my ex and have warm feelings for her.

I know everyone has moved on but these feelings are conflicting with my thoughts about my current relationship. I don’t wish to break up this new relationship but sometimes it doesn’t feel right and I question a long-term commitment to her (marriage/ moving in together, etc.).

I do love her, but in a different way from my ex. Not sure if these conflicting feelings about my old and new relationship is enough to break up with this wonderful woman. Between Two Women

A Your confusion has ignored the fact that you haven’t been offered a choice. Your wife left for another man, and you mention ongoing verbal abuse between you two.

So it seems that what’s going on in your mind and memories is a reflection on your relationship life and choices.

That’s a good thing. You need to spend some time focusing on yourself, past and present, not on the two women you’ve loved.

Not everyone needs or works well with a therapist, but I believe it’s a route you must take and that it’ll benefit you, making your present and future clearer.

Your wife’s sudden departure for another man was devastating. Now, five years later and settled with another woman, you can remember the previous good times and feel conflicted when comparing the two women.

An experienced therapist can now help you reflect on that first marriage and what each of you contributed to the good times and to the not-so-good times. You’ll also get insights about the kind of future you want and need.

You’ve mostly been lucky in your partners (until the break). It’s time to know yourself and your needs at this age, before you make changes for your future.

Readers’ Commentary Regarding a complaint from a woman about her “ranting” husband (Jan. 4):

Reader No. 1: “The woman might benefit from Al-Anon. Instead of putting the focus on him, Al-Anon teaches family members and friends of an alcoholic to practice selfcare and set boundaries.

“Also, he’s her third husband. Could the other two have been alcoholic as well?”

Reader No. 2: “As someone who recovered from a drinking problem, I wanted to point out that a 12-step program and strong will aren’t the only options for sobriety.

“I quit drinking with help from what’s called the Rapid Access Addiction Medicine clinic at a hospital in my city. The doctor whose care I’m in prescribed a couple of medications to deal with withdrawal and cravings, and counselling was available, but I found the medical intervention most helpful.

“I’d despaired for years trying to quit/cut back using willpower, and my body just wouldn’t function. However, once I was medicated, I quit the next day.

“I’d assumed any help I sought would be some variation of a 12-step program, which never worked for me, so I didn’t seek help.

“Had I known there was a medical intervention available I could have quit a lot sooner.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

If your relationship history repeats similar/ confusing patterns, recognize your own conflicts through the help of a therapist (available online).