Problem with a deer prompts something repellant

THEY SAY THAT “HELL hath no fury like a woman scorned.” That might be true, but I’d add that a woman scorned has no fury like a woman who has just had her daylilies eaten by deer. You see, a woman, who has had the flower garden she has lovingly tended to since spring destroyed by deer, resorts to desperate, uncharacteristically cruel measures.

This explains why I found myself in the hardware store at 7:30 a.m. buying deer repellent.

Before I continue, I would like to formally apologize to anyone who finds themselves downwind of our front garden and also to any skunks in the neighbourhood who now suffer from inferiority complexes.

They don’t call it repellent for nothing.

Oh, I’d also like to apologize to any deer that visit our garden within the next three years or so. The punishment does not fit the crime. I know that now.

Before this morning, however, I had no idea. I

had never dabbled in the seedy world of deer repellents. All I knew about them was that they are a non-lethal way of dealing with problem deer.

The repellent I bought cost around $20, which is a fair price to pay because I don’t think I could bribe a sick dump bear to fart through a garlic press for that kind of money. And that is precisely what it smells like.

I looked at Jenn with watery eyes and said, “Wow!”

“This’ll teach them,” she said, just prior to laughing maniacally. “It smells just terrible!”

“I assume this means I won’t have to wear the scarecrow suit tonight?” I asked.

“Don’t put it away until we’re sure this works,” she said.

She is nothing if not practical.

The good news is I have complete faith in this product, if only because I don’t believe any animal has the capacity to eat and retch at the same time.

The only downside is we are expecting a UPS delivery today – I suspect our last. You see, our front door is between the two gardens that Jenn sprayed liberally with the repellent.

As a result, I imagine the UPS guy will make it to the door, hand me my package, and run back to the truck without so much as a signature. There will be none of the usual niceties or small talk. In fact, the only other noise I’m likely to hear will be the sound of squealing tires as he drives off. Worse still, in future deliveries, I’ll probably have to meet him at the end of the driveway. And probably not our driveway either.

Now, that I know a thing or two about deer repelthem lent, I can honestly say I feel more than a little sorry for those deer. Who would have thought getting shot in hunting season was the lesser of two evils?

On an off-note, I find it interesting how sometimes one smell reminds you of another unrelated one. That’s why I began, once again, to search for my favourite fancy cologne this morning. Even Jenn said the deer repellent reminded her of its loss. No wonder. Both products come in an elegant, one-litre plastic spray bottles. And, the directions on the deer repellent caution the user to apply sparingly once every 28 days, which is precisely the warning given on my favourite cologne too.

Lastly, we got the repellent for a buck.

I tell you, the similarities are eerie …