Important hunting skills for the new moose hunter

MOOSE SEASON IS JUST about upon us. Unless you happen to be a moose or moose sympathizer, this is a wonderful time of year. Hunters and (in some areas) their hounds will spend days in the woods hoping that they will be the first to place the tag in their pocket on one of the most sought after trophies in all of hunting – the camp couch.

For the casual hunter, there is no greater achievement.

Well, maybe one – that is avoiding being in the immediate area of the moose someone else just shot. Needless to say, this takes a whole lot of skill and some planning. After all, it’s not easy avoiding detection when you are clad from head to toe in hunter orange.

The odds are good, in fact, that someone will see and yell at you to come down into the swamp to help. Feigning being hard of hearing helps mitigate this.

You just don’t claim this at the time, however. No

sir, you have to start as you would like to end, by letting people know this right from the beginning.

The standard advice is to walk into hunt camp and immediately start to utter phrases such as “Pardon me” or “What did you say?” I actually prefer to do this year round. Either way, it will set the stage for when someone one valley over yells, “Come and help me drag out this moose!”

If you’ve done things right, you will yell back, “Yes, I’m going to camp for a snooze.” This, as you can see, not only gives you a head start on getting to the camp couch but it also prepares you for later when someone says, “Hey! It’s your turn to do the dishes!” To which you can return a smile, give them a thumbs up and say, while heading out the door with fishing rod in hand, “Sure! I’ll be glad to catch us some fishes!”

Of course, this ploy will only work until some SOB discovers that they can use a birch bark moose call as a megaphone. That’s why you need a backup plan – the bad back.

The bad back is a classic excuse, probably as old as moose hunting itself. Therefore, modern moose hunters need to up their game to fool fellow hunters.

I prefer a well-crafted doctor’s note that features such phrases as “incontinence–inducing back spasms” and “violent, psychotic episodes.”

If the camp is filled with too many skeptics, it’s also wise to take in a bottle of suppositories and nonchalantly mention that “My doctor said if my back pain gets bad, I’ll need one of you to administer these to me.”

You won’t lift a finger for the rest of the week.

Arguably, the most important moose hunting skill is knowing what to say when you actually miss one standing broadside at 25 yards. I prefer the sentence, “It was him,” as I point in the direction of the nearest hunter.

Yet, there will be times when that hunter is the one trying to ascertain why you missed. In which case, I’ll point in the opposite direction and repeat the phrase. If that hunter is there too, try another cardinal direction until you get it right.

Look, no one said moose hunting was easy. It takes hard work and dedication to earn everyone’s respect in camp. And all it takes is one well-placed bullet in an impenetrable swamp to lose it.