Perfectly good reasons the thermos is unused
AMONG THE MULTITUDE OF outdoor tools I have but never use is a very nice thermos. I figure this is the way it is for most outdoorsmen. Thermoses are great in theory.
Every hunter buys one with the best intentions. The hunter fantasizes about sitting on a deer stand on a frigid November day and reaching into his or her backpack, and silently pulling out a thermos full of steaming hot coffee or a hearty chicken noodle soup.
In that fantasy, the keen hunter silently consumes the warm contents of the thermos and is suddenly revitalized and comforted again. This simple act allows him or her to stay out for a while longer, until that 18-point buck tries to sneak by. Luckily, once frigid hands are now warmed enough to deftly handle a rifle and deliver a deadly shot that drops the animal on the spot. All this success can be attributed to the new thermos.
The reality is a bit different, however. It goes something like this.
The hunter reaches for the new thermos, opens it
and takes a sip and quickly learns the coffee within was hot enough to melt the tiles off of a space shuttle.
He yelps loudly, then hears hoof beats and looks up to see the biggest buck he’s ever seen leaping over the rise. This causes him to fumble for his rifle and spill hot coffee all over his lap.
He dances and screams and curses so that several more deer and three grouse flush.
Then, he learns the first rule of thermos thermodynamics.
Coffee that was scalding hot when it landed on your lap suddenly goes ice cold when confronted by a frigid north wind and the passage of three seconds.
He then spends the remaining time on the stand, alternately freezing and feeling the effects of a minor burn. Worse still, when he gets back to camp, everyone quietly assumes that his soaking wet lap is the result of a close encounter with a bear.
But enough about the good side of thermos ownership.
What thermos enthusiasts never divulge is that they lost their taste buds long ago in a horrible winter pole-licking accident. For, if they had taste buds, they would never enjoy consuming anything from a thermos.
That’s because everything that comes out of a thermos tastes like coffee – unless you filled it with chicken noodle soup first. In that case it tastes like chicken noodle soup.
There is a firm scientific basis for why a thermos either tastes like coffee of chicken noodle soup. It is because when an optimistic hunter first buys a thermos, he fills it up to the brim with either one or the other. And, because the amount it takes to fill a normal thermos is more than the average person can consume over three days he heads home with a nearly full thermos. Which would be great, if he did not discover this on the morning of the next hunt, five days later.
And, even then, the only reason why a hunter even reaches for a thermos at that point is because there are strange sounds emanating from it, which, not to worry, are merely the sound of new developing life-forms.
Don’t worry, though – even if they escape, they won’t survive. You see, they probably taste like coffee or chicken noodle soup too.