Of bucks and men - lessons to be learned

THE OTHER DAY A good friend of ours emailed us a beautiful photo of a wood duck drake in full plumage.

I looked at it, shook my head and said, “That’s a gorgeous duck.”

Even so, I felt sorry for it. When it comes to birds and some mammals like deer, moose, elk, lions, and Silverback gorillas, the female of the species has it easy. The female, after all, is often beautiful in a subtle, subdued kind of way that remains consistent throughout the year. The males, on the other hand, must dress a lot more dramatically, just to get a little attention. Basically, this makes them look very desperate and also leaves them open to bullying.

This, I think is what separates modern man from the beasts. Wood ducks dress up when they want to find a mate. Modern man is more likely to text at 11 p.m. while wearing track pants.

It cannot be easy being one of these animals, however. After all, texting is difficult enough without man-sized thumbs and autocorrect.

On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to be a male deer, moose or elk either. I

mean, if you think about it, a bull or buck pays a high price for a little love too.

Human males sometimes act like boneheads in order to attract a mate. Male ungulates such as deer, elk and moose take it literally. They actually grow bones out of their heads. These bones get progressively heavier until early fall when they stop growing. Until that time they are also tender and basically useless.

All this changes once their antlers harden in September.

Then, antlers just serve to get them in trouble.

The buck or bull spends much time rubbing them against trees to remove the ragged green velvet that remains. After that the sole uses of antlers is for fighting off rivals who are interested in the same female you are and revealing your position when you are laying down in the tall grass.

The good news is females will give bucks or bulls with antlers a second look and, should the mood be right, the male will get a day or two of love before the female kicks him to the curb.

Then he continues his quest for true love.

To recap: A buck must carry somewhere between three and nine pounds worth of antlers on the top of his head for most of the year, just to have a few nights of love with ladies that are using him; similarly, a bull moose must carry up to 80 pounds and a bull elk carries somewhere in between.

Meanwhile, most human males must only bathe, wear cheap cologne, know how to use cutlery and own a car. If you think about it, this is hardly fair. Given the chance to wear antlers or cheap cologne I would have chosen antlers too.

I believe this also provides ample evidence the females of these species are smarter. After all, wood duck drakes wear their full plumage from autumn to spring, which means they are easier to see and more desirable targets for hunters and other predators than the less colourful female. Bucks and bulls with their antlers are also targeted far more than cows and does.

How is any of this useful to the outdoorsman?

Well, it just proves what most of us already know. There is a down side to dressing up.