Taking taxidermy to new frontiers

THE OTHER DAY I got a call from a young angler who wanted to know if I knew a good taxidermist. It was a joke, of course.

Typically, my social circles do not include taxidermists – not because my fish are too small, but rather because their standards are too high.

For instance, the 20inch pike that this young fellow sent a photo of, weighed about two pounds. And, while it was a trophy to him, he would have probably been talked out of a mount had he visited any respectable taxidermy shop in the province.

That’s understandable since taxidermists, if my understanding is correct, often charge by the inch. And, in fairness to them too, a 20-inch pike is fairly common.

This got me thinking that there is real money to be made in what I call microtaxidermy. This is, as far as I know, an unexplored part of the taxidermy trade – in which a taxidermist would mount things that your regular taxidermist might laugh at and turn away. The fish I typically catch being a prime example.

If the anglers I fish with

are any indication, this would serve a huge market. Suddenly, you are opening up taxidermy options to the casual fisherman.

Additionally, it would most likely revitalize taxidermy as a decorating tool. With micro-taxidermy, for instance, you could finally find a place for mounted fish and game in a small studio apartment, in your car or even on the lid of your ball cap.

There are other reasons why I think this might take off too – juxtaposition being one of them. Imagine you got a 10-inch pike mounted. Clearly, this in itself doesn’t look impressive. Maybe not, but suddenly the 10-inch smallmouth bass you put beside it would look like a giant – with the right photographic angle and nothing in the photo to provide scale, I mean.

I know, taxidermists make their money charging by the inch and this might not be lucrative. I don’t know anything about their business but I’d suggest, in this case they might do very well relying on volume instead. It works for dollars stores and bakeries.

Think of it this way, the average person might never catch a 24-inch smallmouth bass, but I guarantee, they’ll catch three 8-inchers almost every fishing trip. And, if those were affordable, I could surprise Jenn with the new kitchen cupboard handles I’ve always dreamt of giving her.

My point, I suppose, is that this is uncharted territory as far as taxidermy goes. The whole idea so far has been to mount huge, gaudy, ostentatious specimens of fish and game – but, as you might have surmised by the lack of taxidermy in most residences, high-end restaurants, doctor’s offices, government buildings, subway platforms, hospitals and churches, this is not working out too well.

As I have proved, time and time again, there are far more little fish than big ones. And those poor fish have to wait years before they are immortalized on our walls – which is not exactly fair to them either.

Yet, all that can change if just one taxidermist decides to buy a magnifying lamp and start specializing in small fish. This could revitalize the whole profession and allow guys like me to place a whole lot more taxidermy in the basement in that special room that Jenn says is off limits to polite company.

Whether this is or isn’t done is up to the taxidermists. I’m just putting it out there, and they can agree or tell me to get stuffed.