Roboducks and other necessities of life

I VISITED A BIG outdoors shop the other week and came back with something that was the very embodiment of the gaping chasm between those who love hunting and those who merely put up with someone who does.

That is to say I returned triumphantly with a roboduck. To those who know what a robo-duck is no further explanation is required. To everyone else, it is essentially a plastic duck decoy whose wings spin when you hit the on button on the remote.

As wonders of technology go, few things can beat it. For one thing, it has a remote that any idiot can operate. Yet there’s more.

Some genius, akin to Einstein I suppose, discovered that if you put spinning wings on a decoy that is set on a pole above the water, it will a) give a very poor impression of a duck in flight, and b) it will somehow attract ducks from a distance and c) it will eventually get shot up so you can make a killing on parts.

OK, the guy was smarter

than Einstein.

Clearly, this is an item that every duck hunter ought to have. Yet, and I do not say this to sully her character, Jenn thinks it’s the most ridiculous thing she has ever seen. Keep in mind that this is from someone who has seen my synthetic deer urine collection.

“How much did you pay for that thing?” she asked.

“Wow,” I said, “you sure look pretty in that light ...” “How much?” At times like this, a hunter can’t be too careful. You have to be diplomatic, credible and stand for what you believe in. Or you can do what I did and faked a bout of narcolepsy.

Unfortunately, when I opened one eye, she was still there with arms crossed. I couldn’t understand it. After all, Jenn has been around duck hunters her whole life, so you think she would know that when it comes to attracting a duck, money is no object. And yet somehow she did not.

Instead, she began talking about all the responsible ways in which I could have spent the money. Not one of which, I can assure you, would get me any closer to a limit of mallards or wood ducks on opening day.

And then she uttered the most hurtful words ever.

“How much technology do you need to outsmart a duck?”

Of course, that is a trick question. Ducks cannot be outsmarted.

At best, they can be brought closer by doing stupid things like stepping out of the blind to take a pee. As smart as they are, they also wonder things like, “Why is that plastic duck spinning its wings and not moving forward?”

Which, if you think about it, is a metaphor for hunters.

Will the robo-duck actually work as advertised and bring in more ducks? Well, I have hunted over a few and, for me at least, the jury is still out. Some days we got lots of ducks. Some days we didn’t. But that’s not the point.

You see, it’s not just a robo-duck. It’s also a gleaming beacon of hope that stands over the cattails. And, if it proves worthless in the marsh, at least you can use it as a very stylish fan when you get home.

This turned out to be a good thing too.

You see just as I was about to put it away, the receipt slipped out of the bag and fell at Jenn’s feet.

And, let’s just say, she needed cooling off.