Jack Knox’s Olympics primer (warning: prepare to be amused),
You said you wouldn’t watch the Olympics this year. You’re done with the corruption, the hype, the jingoism, the Hunger Games cynicism of the monolithic IOC machine.
You wonder how many athletes are dirtier than Rio tap water. Russian state-sponsored doping? Jeez, even Putin looks juiced, like he’s going to fly into a ’roid rage and nuke Uzbekistan next time he stubs his toe. But it’s not like the Russians are alone. So that’s it, you’re out. Except you’re not. You ducked into Friday’s opening ceremonies, just for the parade of nations. Next thing you knew, you paused on water polo while flipping channels. Now it’s 3 a.m. and you’re still glued to the screen, watching the Spanish-language feed of the synchronized hammer throw because the Estonians have a shot at the bronze.
You’re hooked. Worse, you’re hooked and you don’t even know what you’re watching. Many of these sports are obscure, usually only seen at 4 a.m. on TSN3, sandwiched between dwarf-tossing and Dutch canal vaulting. Terrific, demanding sports, to be sure, but we don’t see them often enough to know what’s going on.
With that in mind, here’s a primer to the games of the XXXILGBQT Olympiad:
Softball — This was the only Olympic sport we’ve all played, except none of the Olympians A) wear Birkenstocks, B) can turn a double play without spilling their beer, or C) once pulled a hamstring while trying to impress the cute girl in centre field.
But then they went and booted softball out of the Games this year, didn’t they? It has been replaced by…
Golf — OK, you understand this sport, too, but where are the big names? Golf is back in the Olympics after 112 years, but many of the top pros have pulled out, citing the threat of Zika, a Portuguese word meaning “Forget national pride, I want an excuse not to go to Rio.”
Last week’s PGA Championship had a total prize purse of $10 million. The fourth-place finisher got $480,000 US. The Olympics have a prize purse of zero. The fourth-place finisher will get a nice sun tan. Right, Zika.
Rowing — Canadians like their Olympic athletes the way they like their charities — near starvation. Unlike golfers, rowers live in poverty. They’re reduced to eating carpet underlay and sleeping in shifts in the toolshed at the Elk Lake boathouse. Rowers are the sockeye salmon of sport, struggling for four years to reach their goal until, totally spent, they wash up on the beach, where they are eaten by bears.
Casual observers are often confused by the difference between doubles and pairs events. The distinction is simple: Boats in the doubles races contain a pair of rowers, while those in the pairs races have two.
Swimming/diving — See: sockeye salmon.
Synchronized swimming — If you can’t watch without thinking of Martin Short on Saturday Night Live, you’re showing your age.
Beach volleyball — Anybody want to explain why the rules force the women to wear bikinis? Anyone want to defend that with a straight face?
Greco-Roman wrestling — Switch channels. You’re watching porn.
Pentathlon — The five disciplines of the modern pentathlon include swimming, fencing, axe-throwing, parallel parking and Pokémon Go.
Decathlon — Dunno. Sounds like a performance-enhancing drug. (See: Russian statesponsored doping.)
Shooting — The only event in which athletes compete while lying down. Basically, it’s an outdoor video game. (See: Pokémon Go.)
Archery — Fourteenth-century shooting.
Equestrian — Rich man’s rodeo. Broken into three disciplines: jumping, dressage and cross-dressage (or side-saddle).
Jumping is the most popular of the three, as nothing brings a smile to the coal-smudged faces of your lower orders like the sight of high-bred horses throwing higher-bred riders over fences and into the mud.
Hurdles — The poor man’s version of horse jumping.
Boxing — I once wrote that figure skating had “more crooked judges than the Corleone family.” This earned me a torrent of hate mail, as well as a horse’s head in my bed. So I won’t say anything else about judged sports.
Fencing — Disciplines include barbed wire, chain link and tent city.
Badminton — Most dangerous backyard sport since they banned lawn darts.
Trampoline — I take that back about badminton.
Canoeing/kayaking — Not so much a sport as a high-speed wilderness vacation.
Cycling — Eco-friendly NASCAR.
100-metre dash — When the test comes back negative: All-Canadian athlete. When it’s positive: Disgraced Jamaican-born sprinter.
Throwing the discus — Happens when weightlifters don’t use their knees. Can require a chiropractor.
Throwing the hammer — Reaction to hitting the thumb. Has nothing to do with sports.
Marathon — A true test of endurance, 21⁄2 hours of mindnumbing pain in the oppressive heat of congested, smog-choked roads. But after you clear the Malahat on a holiday Sunday, you can settle in front of the TV to watch the Olympics.