Starting to fall in love? Pace yourself
When we are in love, our whole way of looking at the world changes. We look at ourselves differently, and our behaviour changes as well. Most of the time, it’s a good thing, but if you are overzealous, you can scare away someone who might also be falling in love with you.
The energy we get when falling in love is intoxicating and we can act like we’ve had one too many. Don’t get me wrong: Those start-up feelings are wonderful and I wouldn’t suggest you put the brakes on just because you are feeling more energized than usual.
The trick here is to pace yourself, and this comes from self-awareness. If you have noticed that every time you see or talk with someone, you have enough energy to paint the house, you might have to hold back a little to give the other person a chance to catch up. And that can be a challenge as you are containing some very powerful feelings.
It’s a heady feeling. All these chemicals are speeding around in your brain (and heart) telling you one thing (how you feel) as you imagine, read into and try to psychically see what the other person is sending in return. This is why you need to move at a turtle’s pace. You don’t have all the facts — just your emotions.
This is the moment when my inner therapist kicks in and says you two should sit down and talk, but that can be hard to do in the early stages of a relationship. Better to allow the details to come out in little bite-size pieces while you are enjoying each other. Most people do talk about themselves and will answer questions when they feel safe, so don’t go over the top and frighten the other person away, but just casually chat about your life.
All the energy that comes from falling in love can make you act a little foolish, ignoring red flags or accepting behaviours that you normally wouldn’t approve of. Yes, love will lead you to many new things, and it is quite pleasurable. Just go through it with your eyes as well as your heart wide open.
Ask questions. Be authentic. Love does not conquer all, but it can inspire you to do things you never imagined and be the person you always wanted to be. Don’t jump into relationship mode just because you feel amazing.
Not everyone is interested in love. If you find that your heart’s desire does not return the feeling, I suggest that you move on as quickly as possible. Walking around with hurt in your heart is no way to go through life. And there is no shame in being alone. Sometimes, it’s what you need to do. Whether in a relationship or not, do all you can to love yourself in the process.
Love is always a risk. Yes, you could get hurt, but the rewards far outweigh the possibility of rejection or even a broken heart. Letting yourself be loved and returning it is the best feeling on Earth. Nothing is perfect, but you can create a wonderful life with the right partner.
Dr. Barton Goldsmith is a psychotherapist and author of The Happy Couple: How to Make Happiness a Habit One Little Loving Thing at a Time.