JACK KNOX: A salute to fathers, or why you’re not the world’s worst dad

The good news, dads, is you are not the Worst Father In The World. You are not Agamemnon of ancient Greece, who sacrificed his daughter Iphigenia to appease the goddess Artemis.

You are not a filicidal Russian ruler like the dubiously named Peter the Great, who had his son tortured to death, or the more appropriately titled Ivan the Terrible, who killed his son by bonking him on the noggin with a ceremonial staff.

You are not the Tennessee man who had 21 children with 11 women, or the Michigan guy who piled up half a million bucks in unpaid child support after fathering 23 with 14, or the Welsh man who had 40 with 20 (and who keeps track of them by tattooing their names on his back). Compared with them, Donald Trump — five children by three different women — is a monk (though one more of each and the president gets to play in the NBA).

You are not the Kentucky man who was sprung from prison to donate a kidney to his ailing son, but took off to Mexico instead. Neither are you the dad arrested in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin, in September after stealing his son’s car and using it in a police chase that hit 160 kilometres an hour on the highway and 80 on the sidewalk. Nor are you the Oklahoma man busted after leaving his four kids — ages three months to seven years — in the car while he went for a 1 a.m. lap dance in a Tulsa strip club.

Also — and this is truly cringeworthy — you are not the Idaho father who last year took out a full-page newspaper ad seeking a wife for his 48-year-old son. This was a surprise to the son.

So were the opinions stated in the ad in his name. “If you voted for Obama or plan to vote for Hillary you are not for me,” it read. Also: “I am 5’5” and if you are 5’8” and like to wear high heels it may not work.”

You are not the Victoria man, the owner of a rundown up-Island hotel, who tried to persuade his 12-year-old daughter to burn it down for the insurance money.

You are not Marvin Gaye’s father, who killed his son with the gun the singer had given him as a present.

Speaking of presents, it’s Father’s Day today. As a dad, this means you, too, might get a gift, preferably one you won’t use to shoot your children.

Probably not, though, if surveys reflect reality. A RetailMe Not poll found just 40 per cent of Canadians think dad would be upset if the children ignored Father’s Day altogether.

In the U.S., the National Retail Federation estimated consumers would spend $24 billion on Mother’s Day this year, but just $14 billion on Father’s Day. Another survey said a mere 30 per cent of Americans planned to buy a Father’s Day gift.

It seems dad’s day is commemorated more out of obligation than desire, like dutifully dancing with an aging relation at a family wedding. Father’s Day is to Mother’s Day what Reno is to Vegas. It’s like the Sammy Hagar version of Van Halen, or opening a box of Girl Guides cookies and discovering they’re the mint ones.

If you, dad, do receive a present, here’s what you will get: socks. That’s because nothing is as heartwarming (or at least to ewarming) as a gift that says “I acknowledge you have feet.” Or maybe it means “I have seen you around the house, but really have no idea who you are inside.”

At least that’s more honest than the tie/barbecue apron/T-shirt declaring you to be World’s No. 1 Father! which both you and Junior tacitly understand to be not just a statistical improbability but a flatout lie. If everyone were straight up, you might — might — get a mug that reads 40th Percentile Dad! or a card that says “Well, at least you didn’t sacrifice me to appease the goddess Artemis (yet).”

That’s the good thing about being a dad. You might not be the best, but there’s usually someone who was worse.