Sexual advances are not compliments

I was downtown last week when I saw the man in front of me (a white, middle-age man) hail a young woman who was walking down the sidewalk toward us.

She was young — younger than me, perhaps 22 — and Asian. She was nicely dressed and absolutely gorgeous, looking as though she’d just stepped out of a magazine.

As I turned down the volume on my music, I realized that he hadn’t hailed her because he knew her — he was doing the other thing.

Out of intuition, I slowed my pace a little.

“What’s your name?” he asked. She didn’t answer at first, evidently confused as to why this man was talking to her. “What’s your name?” he persisted. I think he thought he was being jocular. She answered, but it was clear she didn’t have enough English to understand what he was getting at.

“You’re very beautiful,” the man said, touching her shoulder in a way that made the alarm bells go off in my head.

I’d stopped walking by this point, under the pretext of fixing my headphones.

The one-sided conversation didn’t last much longer — she laughed awkwardly and quickly made her escape after the man’s failed attempts to cross the language barrier.

Now, I’m obviously not psychic. I’m not claiming that I could see into this girl’s mind and know exactly what she thought about this strange man twice her age stopping her on the sidewalk to touch her, but as someone who a) has been in that situation herself and b) has eyes, it seemed pretty clear that her body language said “reluctance,” that she was laughing in order to dissemble and that the touch was unwelcome.

Again, though, I can’t know for sure. But here’s the thing: If it wasn’t clear to me that his touch was welcome, then it was equally unclear to him. And yet he persisted, which means that he didn’t care whether or not she found his attentions appealing. Her reception of his behaviour was no impediment to him.

Which is creepy. For clarification, I didn’t stop because I thought he was going to violently assault her or anything, but we were closing in on harassment territory, and I wanted to give her an out if he didn’t desist.

You don’t touch people in a sexual manner without their consent. (Was it sexual? Quick test: Would he have touched and spoken to a fellow adult male in the same way?) Especially not if the other person is a stranger. And especially not if you’re a middle-age man and she’s a young woman on her own on the street.

I just don’t understand what’s so hard about this.

I’m anticipating flak for this, simply because the number of men who think “stop sexually harassing women” means “you’re not allowed to find women attractive” is astounding. Like, no. These are not the same things, and it should be deeply worrying to us that there’s such confusion between the two.

I’ve been sexually harassed by strangers before (any female-presenting person likely has been), but I’ve also received compliments from strangers, and there’s a huge difference.

Last summer, for example, I was on a bus, and a person gave me a really lovely compliment about my physical appearance. It brightened my entire day.

They did it respectfully, by saying “excuse me,” by not trying to force me into conversation after, and by — and I cannot stress this enough — not trying to touch me.

Because we’re allowed to find people attractive. We are! But some people feel so entitled to a woman’s time and attention that they seem to think that every thought that pops into their brain is worthy of utterance.

If you’re walking along the street and you see a fellow human being doing the same and you find them attractive, then congratulations. Good for you.

Please feel free to enjoy that stranger’s beauty in the same way we enjoy other ambient pleasures, such as sunshine and trees.

But women don’t exist for you. We’re our own people. Just because you find me sexually attractive doesn’t give you the right to touch me, especially not without my consent.

If a person feels that it’s more important for them to be able to express their sexual interest than to pay attention to a fellow human being’s sense of safety and comfort, then their priorities are wrong. First published April 25, 2014.