Boys raised to be respectful
Sexual harassment scandals seen as ‘teachable moment’
Of the many women dismayed by the wave of sexual-misconduct scandals, mothers of boys have distinctive hopes and fears. Among them are women who have sought to raise their sons, sometimes from infancy, to shun sexist mindsets and be respectful of girls. Yet even some of these mothers worry about countervailing peer pressure their sons might face. And there’s uncertainty as to whether their sons’ generation, as adult men, will be less likely to perpetrate or condone sexual misconduct.
Danielle Campoamor, a New York-based writer and editor, has been wrestling with these questions even though her son, Matthias, is only three. She says she feels extra pressure because she was sexually assaulted five years ago by a co-worker.
“I worry what kind of man I’m raising and how he’ll treat women and girls in his life,” said Campoamor, 30, who already takes Matthias to events where sexual misconduct is discussed. “Does he understand? No,” she said. “But it won’t be a taboo topic later on. I hope he’ll have the courage to stand up for what’s right.”
In an article for the website Romper, Campoamor wrote that the scandals provide a “teachable moment” for her and Matthias.
“It is my responsibility to provide him with concrete examples of what to do, and what not to do, when he witnesses, hears about, or is a victim of sexual assault,” she wrote.
Neena Chaudry, education director for the National Women’s Law Center, an American nonprofit organization, has taken her son, now 10, to pro and college women’s basketball games in Washington, D.C. since babyhood. Chaudry says he’s now a devoted fan who extols the virtues of women’s sports to other boys.
“It helps him see women as strong and formidable,” Chaudry wrote for the law centre’s blog.
Cynthia Boune, a Denver mother, said she and her husband set out early in parenthood to raise their two sons to resist sexist attitudes.
“With all the sexual harassment news, we’ve had a lot of family discussions and thank goodness our parenting style was validated,” Boune wrote by email. “My boys were disgusted by the attitudes of predatory men.”
She recalled an incident when her oldest son, now 18, was a high school freshman, and walked away when some soccer teammates laughed about a cellphone video showing a drunken girl kissing numerous boys.
“I hope, now that he is older, he feels secure enough to not just walk away, but to call them out on it,” Boune wrote. “This is where the real work is.”
Long before the latest scandals, programs emerged aimed at reducing boy-girl gender friction and curtailing sexual harassment.
Among them is Coaching Boys Into Men, developed by the nonprofit Futures Without Violence. Thousands of high-school and middle-school coaches have been trained to convey to their players the importance of treating young women with respect and avoiding abusive behaviour.
Brian O’Connor, who runs the program, says the recent scandals have boosted interest among parents who’d like it implemented at their sons’ schools.
Seattle couple Esther Warkov and Joel Levin are among a growing number of activists who believe the fight against sexual harassment should start in elementary school, with boys getting an early message that girls should be treated respectfully.
“Some people seem to think sexual assault starts in college — but it took [the perpetrators] 12 years to practise,” Warkov said.
She and Levin founded Stop Sexual Assault in Schools, which creates anti-sexual harassment curriculum, after their daughter was allegedly raped by a fellow student during an overnight high school field trip in 2012.
California, a pacesetter in sex education, implemented a law in 2016 that included sexual harassment as a topic public school districts must address. Women’s rights activists welcome the requirement.
“Teaching boys how they can be part of the solution is tremendously important and it has to start in lower grades,” said Noreen Farrell of San Franciscobased Equal Rights Advocates.
However, legislators and school officials in many U.S. states are wary of broaching such issues in curriculum.
“You need a lot of political will to do it,” said Debra Hauser of Advocates for Youth, which contends that adolescents need “accurate and complete” information about sexual health.
Hauser, who has a son and daughter in their 20s, says there’s a contentious argument over which traditional male behaviours are potentially harmful and which are worth preserving.
As for boys who harass and bully, “they aren’t born that way,” Hauser said. “They’re reflecting the culture, the image of what a male should be.”
Author Warren Farrell, whose books about gender issues include The Myth of Male Power and The Boy Crisis, says efforts to curtail sexual harassment would benefit from more understanding of the insecurities experienced by many boys.
“In high school, a 15-year-old boy, the less mature sex, is expected to risk the rejection of the more mature sex,” Farrell wrote in an email. “Having fewer social skills and being more likely to be a ‘failure to launch’, he may feel overwhelmed, withdraw and fall addict to the world of internet porn.”
Farrell suggests there should be more dialogue between the genders, and a greater balance in sharing responsibility for initiating sexual interest.