Air-passenger bill of rights should have teeth
You might have thought the federal Liberals, now lagging the Tories by 10 points due to a series of self-inflicted wounds, should have learned from the experience. Alas, you would be wrong.
The latest in a series of tonedeaf ventures landed on an unsuspecting public last week. Ottawa is planning to update airline regulations, allegedly to improve how passengers are treated.
Among these “improvements” is a clause allowing airlines to double tarmac delays. That means passengers can be kept on board a parked aircraft for three hours instead of 90 minutes.
The legislation also weakens the responsibility of airlines to compensate passengers for maintenance-related delays.
Questioned about these and other provisions that appear politically dead on arrival, a spokeswoman for Transport Minister Marc Garneau tried to waffle by promising a new passenger bill of rights.
And when will the minister be introducing this long overdue benediction? He won’t. He’s dumped responsibility onto the Canadian Transportation Agency, an independent body whose efforts are guaranteed to come up short.
Why are those efforts guaranteed to come up short? Because the airline business model is inherently authoritarian. Like jails and psychiatric institutions, they survive by confining and dragooning their inmates.
Passengers are, both figuratively and literally, a captive audience. Any genuine bill of rights would bust up this syndicate and let loose a howl of industry execration. No minister (or transportation agency) would dream of doing such a thing.
However, just for the fun of it, let’s imagine what a bill of rights with real teeth might look like. I suggest the following, with the guilty parties named where appropriate.
No paying passenger who has booked ahead may be dragged kicking and screaming off an airplane to make room for someone more important. (United et al.)
If a flight is billed as non-stop, that means non-stop. It doesn’t mean “requires refuelling stops along the way.” (Air Transat).
Frequent flyers, many of whom are public servants or politicians travelling on the taxpayer’s dime, shall not be escorted to the head of the security line ahead of peons who paid the same ticket price. (Air Canada.)
Pets will be stored where they belong — in stowage — not next to asthmatic passengers, and that includes so-called “comfort” critters. (Air Canada.)
There shall be at least one flight attendant on board who knows where the defibrillator is stored. (WestJet.)
No passenger shall be forcibly detained on board a parked aircraft for more than 90 minutes without access to a lawyer.
Phone calls to airline booking services shall be picked up by a human being, preferably the same day. (Air Canada et al.)
Food served on board shall be suitable for consumption by members of the human species, and breakfast menus shall be rotated sooner than once a decade. (Air Canada.)
Aircraft on long-distance flights shall not turn around halfway because a passenger is drunk or disorderly. Each plane shall have a “sin bin” at the rear of the cabin where idiots of this variety can be parked. If necessary, a couple of beefy passengers may be recruited to assist — their airfare, of course, being refunded.
And this last one for us Islanders. Airlines flying from Vancouver to Victoria shall cease listing their flight as “on time,” when the plane is still sitting on the ground at YVR half an hour after it was scheduled to leave. And security staff at the airport shall quit hassling family members who park at the curbside and go inside to meet their loved ones. This is allegedly being done on “safety” grounds, a momentarily empty car supposedly being an obstacle if an emergency arises. In practice this is just another facet of the business model — bully your customers into submission.