Dear taxpayer: Jail-free tax to guide your way

Amessage from the Canada Revenue Agency/Agence de Gougement. Dear Taxpayer/Cher Victime, The deadline for most Canadians to file their 2017 tax returns is Monday, April 30. Here are some changes to note and advice to consider as you work your way through this year’s forms. Line 305, Eligible Dependents: When asked to name all the dependents you support, do not say “my grasping ex-wife/husband, his/her shiftless kids, Trudeau Lite, Horgan and Weaver, a whole generation of entitled millennial snowflakes and all the jobless hippies who’ve got nothing better to do than protest pipelines.” Likewise, all claims for “LIEING JU$TIN CRUDEAU AND HI$ FREIND$ IN TAXPAYER-$UBSIDIZED BIG OIL” will be rejected. Tax tip: If you want a favourable ruling from the Canada Revenue Agency/Agence de Gougement, don’t picket our offices at our busiest time of year, as antipipeline protesters did in Victoria last week. Line 330, Medical Expenses: To determine your deduction, enter the lesser of A) the cost of all prescription drugs, rehab services, mobility aids, medical premiums, ambulance rides and Band-Aids, multiplied by the number of hours/days you spent waiting in the ER waiting room, or B) $47. Form T4011, Preparing Returns for Deceased Persons: The CBC reported Friday that between 2007 and 2013, we at the Canada Revenue Agency/Agence de Gougement accidentally declared 5,489 people dead when they were in fact alive. In our defence, many of these people were Canucks fans, so it was hard to tell. To prevent such misunderstandings from happening again, from now on only the deceased person will be allowed to report him or herself as dead. Tax tip: Claimants should be prepared to provide documentary evidence of their death. Retain these records for A) seven years, or B) the next zombie apocalypse, whichever comes sooner. Form T2200, Employment Deductions: New for this year, all prime ministers claiming clothing expenses for foreign costumes must prove that nationals of the applicable country actually dress that way outside of Bollywood weddings. Tax tip: We can’t wait for him to go to Scotland. #Kilt #Sporran #Braveheartblueface Line 127, Taxable Capital Gains: The tax guide states “Donations of certain flow-through share properties may result in a deemed capital gain subject to an inclusion rate of 50 per cent.” We have no idea what that means. If you do, please call us. New for 2017: In an attempt to open the housing market to young people, the B.C. government has introduced a speculation tax on underused dwellings to incentivize Alberta retirees to leave their Victoria condos. Tax tip: Displaced retirees may qualify for a rebate by enrolling in B.C.’s new sustainable food security initiative Nothing’s As Green As Soylent Green. A partial credit is available to those out-of-province seniors who enhance young British Columbians’ future through the Out of the Condo, Onto the Ice Floe program. Also new for 2017: Following the success of the Canada 150 program, which granted free access to national parks, Alberta is celebrating Canada 151 by offering visiting British Columbians free mandatory 90-day access to the Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump historic site and quarantine/reeducation centre, as well as an opportunity to help build the new razor-wire-topped Wall of Friendship extending from Jasper to the Crowsnest Pass. These initiatives will be funded through a 92-centa-litre National Harmony Tax on all wine flowing east to Alberta and all gasoline flowing west to B.C. Line 349, Donations and Gifts: In 2015 we joked that those donating to environmental groups such as the David Suzuki Foundation and Greenpeace would continue to receive a federal charitable tax credit, but must enter the amount on line 43322 of Schedule 1 to calculate their federal Enemy of the State Pipeline Security Surcharge. (Ha! Ha! Ha! Sometimes we at the Canada Revenue Agency/Agence de Gougement crack ourselves up.) Tax tip: We’re no longer joking. SCAM ALERT: We at the tax office will never contact you to demand iTunes cards, other gift cards, pre-paid credit cards or Bitcoin as payment. Only the following forms of payment are acceptable: debit card, credit card, cash at any post office, livestock, one of your kidneys*, your firstborn child, your soul. (*Just kidding: We’ll take both kidneys).