Couple drifting apart with demands of boyfriend’s job as frontline worker
Dear Ellie: The boyfriend whom I thought would be my Forever Guy lives 90 minutes away.
That was no distance to us as best friends and lovers, before the pandemic. Then everything changed. He’s an essential frontline worker, while I carry on working for my own company from home, and alone.
In the space of just a few months, I’ve hardly left my apartment except to buy a few groceries as needed, just steps down the street from my apartment.
He’s out every day supposedly social-distanced, but involved with a team of workers on the front lines of encountering and fighting COVID-19.
It was impossible for him to travel back and forth to see me, because he was often just too exhausted to consider it, and also because of his ever-present possibility of having caught the virus.
I couldn’t even consider going there, since his whole apartment and everything he touched from light switches to door handles, could carry danger to me.
He even admitted that he was often so tired when he got home that he couldn’t remember if he washed his hands enough.
Obviously I haven’t dated anyone else during this time, but it seems that our relationship is over. We’re not far apart in distance, but we’ve disconnected.
Even in our online chats, I can feel it. He even gave the excuse that he can’t get aroused by sexting because he’s too worn down when he finally gets home. He’s either sleeping or rushing off to work worried about what he’s going to face.
Is it time to say the words: “It’s over,” and end these painful conversations when we try to reassure each other that things will soon be “normal” again?
Tired of the Distance
You’re apart in miles and tasks, but you don’t have to break up.
Not unless you’ve become absolutely certain that he’s lost the special qualities that made him your choice as “forever guy” for a shared future together.
He’s currently spending a lot of his emotional energy just dealing with the realities of whatever part of the “front-line” he works — whether with the ill, the dying, or those like himself, who are exhausted and dispirited.
For now, online sex isn’t the diversion he wants. It’s peace of mind he’s after, from believing that the worst will be over soon.
For you, it’s the aloneness (especially by comparison to his much-populated work) that has you losing faith in the relationship.
You’re on your own almost 24/7. But he’s not to blame.
Hold fast (a fine Scottish clan motto). The intensity of the coronavirus stranglehold on how we live will ease.
But there’s still an “in between” time, as we await the aftermath of how it plays out.
Your relationship deserves its chance, too, as soon as it’s possible again.
Then, give it time to regrow as you both emerge from vastly different mental and physical spaces in which you’ve had to stay focused on the immediate tasks of making it through.
Feedback regarding the difficulties of living together between an aging mother-in-law with memory loss and a young wife (March 24):
Reader: “Our family has also been touched by dementia, and I’ve found the Alzheimer’s Society to be a great resource and support.
“It’s possible that the Society has resources that considers the unique dynamics that come into play in South Asian and other cultures, particularly in communities where they’re significantly represented.
“The Society has many online resources available too.”
Feedback regarding the dilemma of the lady whose successful boyfriend’s adult children think she may be a gold digger (April 21):
Reader: “My mother and her boyfriend recently faced a similar situation. The resolution they came to prior to my mother moving in with him was that they both prepared new wills outlining both financial and care plans.
“My mother happily signed a legal “pre-nuptial” agreement (even though they are not getting married), and told us about it.
“She knows that his wealth was accumulated prior to meeting her and that it’s not, nor will ever be, hers.
“Living together gives her the financial ability to travel and do the activities they both want to do together.
“If this woman feels the same way, then she should have no problem signing a legal agreement. And her boyfriend’s daughter should be comforted knowing that they are together for love not money.” Daughter of Seniors living their best lives!
Ellie’s tip of the day
In extraordinary times, we need extraordinary understanding of what each other is experiencing.
Send relationship questions to ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.