Urban Diplomat
Advice on how to be a civilized Torontonian
My American cousin is a rabid Trump supporter. Almost every morning, I wake up to another one of his pro-Donald, anti-immigrant tirades on Facebook. My wife, who was born in Sudan, is also his Facebook friend, and a few of his rants have really upset her. We’d unfriend the guy, but we don’t want to stir up any family drama: we’ll see him at a wedding this summer and every Christmas until the end of time. What should we do?
—Donald Ducking, Port Union
Thankfully, Facebook figured out long ago that you’re not going to be interested in each and every baby picture/ cat video/political diatribe posted by your 600 friends. If you don’t want to unfriend this wannabe Breitbart correspondent, you and your wife can simply unfollow his posts, and they’ll stop appearing in your feed—no public display of disaffection necessary. But you’re not likely to get through four years of holiday fam jams without butting heads with your cousin, so be prepared to be the Bernie to his Bannon if it comes down to it.
Dear Urban Diplomat, I recently got a job managing a young development team at a start-up, and the office is awesome: we have catered lunches, a nap lounge, a games room— pretty much everything short of a slide. Problem is, the perks are getting in the way of actual work. Every time I try to book a meeting, my team seems to be playing Ping-Pong or getting an inoffice massage. How do I tell them to grow up and get to it? Or am I just in the wrong office?
—All Work No Play, King West
Cracking down on office fun will make your brogrammer subordinates blue— and maybe even less productive. Recent studies have shown that brief breaks, like 10-minute power naps or jam sessions, can boost focus, memory and problem-solving skills. That said, it sounds like your employees are taking one too many siestas on the com-
pany beanbag chairs. The success of the Google-esque creative workplace model depends on staff who aren’t feckless layabouts, so set some limits on playtime, reward the achievers and be prepared to sack the deadwood if they don’t step up.
Dear Urban Diplomat, I identify as genderqueer. I’ve asked my friends to refer to me using neutral pronouns (my preference: they, them), but one of them just isn’t getting it—he regularly misgenders me. I’m not sure whether he’s absent-minded or trying to make a point. Either way, it makes me feel uncomfortable and disregarded, and I find myself avoiding him. Got any suggestions?
—Mistaken Identity, Dovercourt Park
It’s taken most of the world millennia to start accepting alternative gender definitions, so cut your friend a bit of slack for not catching on right away. Next time he uses the wrong pronoun, firmly tell him how you feel without accusing him of doing it intentionally. If he’s receptive and agrees to try, be patient as the two of you adjust, and gently correct him when he slips up. But, if he dismisses you or outright refuses, it’s time to friend-dump him. If the guy won’t change a few words out of deference to you, chances are he can’t be counted on for support when you need it either.
Send your questions to the Urban Diplomat at urbandiplomat@torontolife.com