Bigger issues behind bedroom woes
From my Aug. 13 online chat, Sex in Relationships: When my boyfriend of two years and I dated, he couldn’t have enough sex, it was every night that we were together. He moved in with me four months ago, when he got laid off at work, and everything’s changed. He hangs around the apartment all day, sitting online supposedly looking for a job, but mostly smoking weed.
When I get home, he’s tired from doing nothing and just wants to watch TV and go to sleep. There’s no sex and little conversation. How do I get my guy back, or was moving together a mistake? No Sex Here
He needs to get back to work. His unemployment is the big change, more so than moving in. It’s why he’s hanging around bored and turning to weed.
His lack of intimacy and his listlessness are the side effects.
Insist that he get out of the apartment to knock on doors looking for jobs, take an upgrading course or volunteer somewhere.
If he doesn’t do this, you’ve ended up with a crummy roommate, not a boyfriend.
It’s not his fault that he got laid off, but the next step’s up to him. What he’s chosen so far is sucking everything positive from your relationship. Say so. I’m in my late-30s, married to a man, late-40s, whom I think is having a mid-life crisis. He’s going to strip clubs on his weekly boys’ nights out, and he wants sex every night even though we’d had a nice routine of twice a week until now.
Although he says “nothing happens” at the strip club, I’m beginning to worry about his touching those women and more. I don’t want to risk getting something (an STD). How do I dial down his raging libido or is this just a phase? Tired Wife Turning 50 almost always sparks some kind of reaction in people, and maybe his is a fear of lessening manhood. He’s overreacting, so concentrate on his ego for awhile and hopefully that’ll reassure his “raging” other parts. Try hugging, and other shows of affection (besides sex) whenever he’s around. Express pride in his work or other skills, and appreciation for whatever help he provides with the home, kids and you. The strip-club attendance is also likely a phase. If not, be clear that you won’t accept it as his weekly outing, and won’t tolerate it if he crosses the line with sexual contact of any kind. We’re late-30s with young kids, married 10 years. We were all over each other until we had our first child. Then everything, including sex, changed overnight. I wanted sex; she wanted sleep. Another daughter followed, and my wife wanted help with changing diapers and laundry, while I still wanted sex. Money became an issue, I got depressed, she wanted sex and I dreamed of escape. But we’re still together. We’re busy, fit in sex when we can. We both enjoy it; both wish we had more time for romance, too. It’s an ongoing quest. Timeless You’ve come through the hardest part! Those are huge life changes you both experienced. You each grew up but didn’t grow too far apart. It’s understandable that you had different reactions along the way — you come from different upbringings, different experiences that shaped your reactions. It takes will, maturity and love, to keep returning to unity as a couple. You’ve built a solid foundation; so keep checking in with each other to keep it strong.
Tip of the day Lack of sex often signals a deeper relationship problem that needs resolving. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.