Holding a grudge for 18 months only hurts you

My husband’s only brother’s wife evicted him from his home 18 months ago. We’d planned to be away for that weekend and against my better judgment, we let him stay in our home.

Upon our return, he said that his now-estranged wife followed him to our home and walked into our house. He hadn’t locked the door. She proceeded to swear at him. He told her to leave (she didn’t) and then allowed her to search our home from basement to bedrooms. She thought there was a woman there (there wasn’t.)

He had to call their daughter to get her out of the house.

My brother-in-law hasn’t apolo- gized or accepted any responsibility for his actions and I cannot even look at him. My husband told him six months ago that I was still very angry about the incident and to speak to me directly. He hasn’t. Used and Misused

Your first instinct was correct — your brother-in-law’s drama was being directed by a very angry wife, so your “better judgment” was to not let him stay at your home while you were absent.

That’s what allowed the rest to happen. The wife was intrusive, your brother-in-law was weak, but you haven’t mentioned any material damage done.

Your lingering anger is partly at yourself and your husband for not standing firm on not having his brother stay there, and/or not staying home during this crisis.

Eighteen months’ resentment is long enough, for actions that aren’t his fault alone. I’m 23, finishing up a professional degree, while dating a guy who’s 26 and just started an undergraduate course.

After six months’ dating, I recently asked him to decide whether he wanted something serious or to end what we have.

Two weeks later, I asked him if he’d thought about it. He said he doesn’t want to decide because he likes me but isn’t ready to prioritize me over everything else.

He doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship until he can make me the No. 1priority in his life. However, we have an amazing connection. He’s introduced me to all his friends (they call me his girlfriend but he isn’t ready to do that himself ) and I’ve met his parents in passing. We sometimes see each other a couple of times a week but he lives on campus so often our

Your lingering anger is partly at yourself and your husband for not standing firm and letting his brother stay at your house

communications are on the phone.

I know he’s faithful and that it would’ve worked if he were more settled in his career.

He still has a couple of years of schooling ahead. Having experienced some crappy relationships (cheating partners), I know he can be the one if he’d commit. But I’m afraid that he’ll just leave if I keep pestering him.

Should I wait for him to decide or end it now and regret it later? Cycle of Doubt

You asked him the question; he gave you a straightforward, honest answer.

To keep “pestering” him would be like handing him an exit pass.

At 23, there’s no deadline for commitment.

Having a great connection puts this relationship way ahead of what you’ve known before.

Being closer to your career goal doesn’t mean you need your whole future signed and sealed.

Enjoy being with a loyal guy who cares about you. You’re the one who keeps raising “doubts,” he’s simply said he’s not ready.

Unless you see signs of restlessness on his part or distancing, let this connection grow and be the “priority” for now.

Tip of the day It’s unfair to hold a grudge about something you could’ve avoided happening. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice