POP GOES THE WEEK
á Gwyneth Paltrow says of her merchandising site GOOP that “We aren’t a super luxury site, but we’re aspirational” Yes, if you aspire to be the sort of person who owns $300 t-shirts and personalized yoga mats and therefore doesn’t get to go to heaven when you die.
á Willow Smith claims that “shaving my hair made my inner light grow and shine even more” and that auto-tuning is like “putting a cloud over real true emotion” Health Canada would like to remind you that this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when you let children read poetry.
á This week in wishing and hoping 1) Bachelor Chris Soules said that he is totally ready to be a dad and that Whitney is his “soulmate.” Meanwhile, when asked about a wedding date, Whitney said that, “I don’t think you can put a time limit on something like that.” 2) Joe Manganiello said he and Sofia Vergara have set a wedding date, but he won’t say when it is. Sofia said last month that they were both too busy to settle on a date. 3) Bradley Cooper’s girlfriend Suki Waterhouse reportedly really, really wants to get engaged. Bradley Cooper didn’t say anything.
á John Mayer says he’s a recovering “ego addict” That makes no sense at all, so we’re just going to pretend he said “Eggo.”
á Madonna worries a lot about her children and says the wrinkles she has under her eyes are all “because of them” Well, that settles it for sure. Madonna was-definitely not part of the Dutch study showing that parents are praising their children too much.
á Museums are banning selfie sticks So sorry, Kim Kardashian. Now you’ll have no reason to ever know the joy of great art.
á Cara Delevingne, who is going to play Enchantress, tweets Suicide Squad will “blow people’s brains out! LITERALLY!” Our resident language expert Dr. Becks the Kwestion says, "perhaps the phrase the young lady was looking for was ’blow people’s minds.’ As for ’literally?’ I have literally given up.”
á Apollogies and Klarrifikajions 1) Even if Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson walked in the Valentino show during Paris fashion week to promote the next Zoolander film it doesn’t follow that Liam Neeson is going to run all night to promote his new movie. 2) Taking time off to keep her kids off poetry is not the reason Jada Pinkett-Smith isn’t returning to Gotham for the next season. 3) The 8,000 lipsticks Uma Thurman claims she’s lost over the years are not, as far as we can ascertain, “where the missing socks go.” 4) Even though Madonna called Kanye West the “black Madonna” and Kim Kardashian said Madonna inspired her to bleach her hair, we cannot claim to know that “they’ve all moved in together in a house made of mirrors.” 5) Suggesting anyone here said “awww” upon hearing that Tony Bennett will sing at Lady Gaga’s wedding is a vicious lie.