Alcohol-fuelled behaviour cries for some solutions

When my boyfriend drinks with his friends around, he ignores me.

He also tries to impress them, so will snap at me or make fun of something I said or what I’m wearing.

Alone with me, he’s very loving and sweet.

He’s not a daily drinker, so I’m not saying he’s an alcoholic, but it affects how he treats me. Public Put-Downs

Someone who insults you when drinking can become an even nastier drinker over time, if you let him.

The alcoholic label isn’t far off when someone shows so little control around booze.

The next step in this relationship is up to you or the shabby treatment won’t end.

When he’s sober, describe what he did/said most recently and how it made you feel.

Mention a few of these incidents that were always associated with his drinking.

Then ask how he feels about it and what he suggests you two do.

Some possible solutions if you both agree:

He limits his drinking, especially when with you, but even when among friends.

If he reverts to the old behaviour, he attends an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to learn what “alcoholism” really does to people and their relationships.

You take a break from each other and agree to only get back together after several months, if he commits to changing his hurtful pattern. My son, 16, can’t accept that I am dating a man of colour from the Caribbean. He’s used racist expressions, though his father and I were never racist and never said such things. He’s rude to my boyfriend, who has been very kind and understanding and never reacts harshly.

He tried to tell him something about his background. My son just stormed out.

I love this man and he’s asked me to marry him. Based on feelings alone, I’d say yes. But what will this do to my relationship with my son? Worried Mom/Girlfriend

Your son’s hardening attitude and distancing is based on his teenage fear of change.

Despite his unacceptable rudeness, he needs some compassion for his anxiety as well as clear limits about what’s acceptable behaviour.

Tell him you know he’s worried about what all this means, but he’s focusing on the wrong thing and making himself miserable.

Tell him you’ll always love him and will always be involved with him. No partner can replace the son you raised and no decent partner — which this man is — would ever want to come between you and your son.

Tell him you believe he’s a better person than he’s portraying, by making this man’s colour the issue. It isn’t.

He’d be just as resentful of anyone else but is using colour as an excuse . . . which sadly is what malevolent, narrow-minded racists do.

Tell him you know he’s smarter, kinder and more humanitarian than that. Just scared.

But at 16, he needs to take some responsibility for what he says and how he acts. Since he’s upset about what’s going on, you’re ready to hear him out . . . without the nastiness.

You’re not rushing into marriage, you’re not leaving him, your relationship with him matters greatly to you, but he can’t be rude to this man and must acknowledge his presence.

You want him to calm down without expecting bad things to happen, because they won’t.

Ask your boyfriend to be patient, too. While he doesn’t have to accept negative behaviour, not to overreact, while you all take time to try to deepen understanding and build respect.