Getting close to student may have crossed a line

My husband of 27 years retired from teaching 10 years ago.

He’d taken a special interest in one female student whom he described as “17 going on 30.”

One Valentine’s Day, he brought home a present and a loving card from her.

He laughed it off. I said it was inappropriate.

Other staff said he was “making a difference” in her troubled life.

He’d go over and speak to her if we saw her in public.

I’ve never spoken to her or been introduced, although he’s offered several times.

I’d ask him why she was so special. She even asked him to “give her away” if she ever got married.

Since his retirement, they’ve kept in touch via Facebook and she has his private cellphone number.

They’ve met to “catch up” at restaurants. His recent message to her: “It’s time for a hug. Love you.”

We’ve argued about this for 10-plus years. Sadly, I can no longer trust him. He once promised to cease contact as it upset me so, but has been unable to do so.

Lately, he described her as a “good friend.”

I feel he crossed the line. Am I overreacting?

Apparently, she’s now in a committed relationship and possibly getting married. What if she asks him to attend the wedding?

She’s gorgeous and very wise beyond her years. I feel she makes him feel young again. Eroding Marriage Yes, he crossed a line and behaved inappropriately with a student.

Yet he never left the marriage. Nor have you said you want to separate over this.

Since she’s seemingly planning to marry, that should reassure you.

At best, he became an important mentor in her life. At worst, he hung onto a fantasy about her, but took it no further.

The emotional damage to you has been his paying too little attention to how much this hurt and upset you.

Tell him your feelings now, at a time when she’s becoming enmeshed with a partner.

Say that you need him to understand that trust is crucial going forward, that he cannot maintain a continuing closeness with her.

If he’s invited to her wedding, he must bring you at his side and you must attend if you both want a fresh start to your connection.

I fall fast into relationships, but within months I’m ready to run.

My parents say it’s from childhood trauma, plus several abusive relationships. I was dating a guy who turned out to be pretty crazy. I immediately found comfort in another man.

It’s unkind to lead another person on too soon after meeting if you already know you have a pattern of finding comfort in a new relationship

Within weeks, being in school, working and raising my son, I don’t want this relationship anymore. I need to focus on getting on my feet.

He hasn’t done anything wrong, I just don’t feel the original connection. Am I being selfish by spending my spare time doing homework or with very close friends (they’re like my sisters)? Am I Selfish? It’s not selfish to focus on the immediate priorities in your life at a busy time.

It is selfish to use new people as “filler” when another relationship ends. It’s also unkind to lead another person on too soon after meeting, if you already know you have a pattern of doing this.

But your current needs are logical — a child to raise, school, work, the comfort of close friends.

Apologize to your soon-to-be ex and explain that you rushed into dating too soon.

Then turn to getting counselling instead of to another passing boyfriend.

Tip of the day When trust is eroded, be clear about what changes are needed for your relationship’s fresh start. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.