It’s better to give than to expect to receive
I have a relative who is regularly invited to birthday parties, Christmas dinners etc., and never brings a gift. I don’t expect anything elaborate, just a token to wish the other person well. This relative does not believe in giftgiving and doesn’t expect presents for any celebration; but does that mean others have to accept his non-gifts on their special days? The option of not inviting him is not available because he is a close blood relative. If you are invited to a party, aren’t you required to bring a gift? Well, actually, no. Your question betrays confusion about the difference between opportunity and obligation. Certainly, an invitation to a birthday party is a wonderful opportunity to present a gift to someone you care about. It’s fun to think about what your host likes and either make or buy the perfect thing. But gift giving is, by definition, never an obligation; as soon as something becomes obligatory it is no longer a gift, but rather an “admission fee” or other form of payment. Gifts are voluntary; fees, taxes and tickets are mandatory.
Sadly, your letter is a sign of how confused we’ve all become about this. We have good friends with whom we dine frequently — sometimes at their house, sometimes ours. When we’d go to their place, we took wine as a “gift”; when they came to our place, they also brought a bottle. It was only after we noticed that we’d begun carrying the same bottle back and forth that we realized how silly this had become. The “gift” had become meaningless; now we drink each other’s wine and enjoy our dinners just as much.
And you are just as confused about this “gift” thing. You would actually prefer to uninvite this person simply because he doesn’t arrive wrappingpaper in hand. Your attitude seems to be, “If he doesn’t buy a ticket, he can darned well stay home.”
It’s time to ask yourself the purpose of your parties. Is it to accumulate more trinkets to dust once a month? Or to have good times with people whose company you enjoy?
Today is my birthday. Route 66 and still getting my kicks.
When I was a kid, dodging dinosaurs on Spadina Ave., I looked forward eagerly to birthday gifts — maybe a Meccano set (Lego hadn’t been invented) or an LP (eight-tracks hadn’t even begun to skip). It’s exciting to get gifts when we’re young, and when going to a kid’s party you really should bring something fun.
But I’m no kid anymore. And like many people my age, the last thing I need is more damned stuff. But here’s the thing:
My 8-year-old goddaughter will come to my party and she’s been planning what to get for my birthday. She’s threatened an R.A. Dickey bobblehead because she knows R.A. drives me crazy. With a 3-0 count, why can’t that man ever throw a fastball? So there’s no way I’m going to tell her she can’t bring a gift. Because she still gets it. She still knows how much fun giving can be.
Your relative is missing out on one of life’s greatest joys. So keep inviting him; he’s more to be pitied than held in contempt. Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca.