Before changing parental roles, talk to the children about it
Tensions brew when dad and mom do things differently
Take Tanya and Paul — a fictional couple who, like many other modern couples, find themselves re-enacting the traditional roles they saw growing up, despite believing that their relationship would be far different. After their first child is born, Tanya takes maternity leave from work to stay at home with their baby. That extends beyond a year at which time she is pregnant again and figures that there is no point in returning to work for a short time.
After baby No. 2 is born, life takes on a whole new purpose and she and Paul conclude that she will put her career on hold while he continues to work, which includes travel for at least a couple of weeks out of every month. For the first six years of their children’s lives, Tanya and Paul know their way around one another and the children. Tanya is chief social scheduler, primary chauffeur, grocery shopper, cook, school lunch maker and all-round primary parent.
The kids defer to mom when asking if they can invite a friend over, even when dad is in the same room. They insist that mom make their school lunches even when dad offers because they don’t like that he leaves the crusts on and the way he layers the turkey breast between the two slices of bread. They even call on mom to read them a story and to tuck them into bed because they’re familiar with her routine and know that they can count on her to dim the light in their bedrooms to the exact spot they like it.
So, when Paul hurts his back, is unable to travel and begins working mostly from home, he suggests that Tanya consider returning to work part time.
Although she worries about how the kids will manage without her, she looks forward to getting back into the field of graphic design. She accepts a three-daya-week job. Easing back into the workplace is easy by comparison to the stress she experiences each time one of the kids calls or text about their father. “He doesn’t know how to make mac and cheese the way you do mom” or “He cut our apple into pieces rather than giving it to us whole,” they would complain. At first Paul is patient with the kids but then begins feeling annoyed and discouraged.
He gets that they are used to Tanya’s way of doing things, especially since he hadn’t spent as much time at home, but still, he begins feeling that they are spoiled and inflexible and that he would be wrong no matter what he said or did. In addition, he begins feeling angry at Tanya who often responds to the kids calls by asking for him to come to the phone so that she can explain the way they prefer things done. After a while, he refuses to come to the phone. This creates friction between them.
Looking in from the outside, it doesn’t take a psychologist to realize that the dynamics between Tanya, Paul and their kids changed drastically after the shift in their lifestyle and the new roles they assumed. Tanya had been the primary parent from the start, the kids were used to her way of doing things and she didn’t make it easy for dad to step in. Paul was trying hard, but Tanya was a hard act to follow and she was easing her guilt at returning to work by trying to keep things constant for the kids by offering advice to Paul. Had Tanya and Paul come to see me before switching gears, I would have suggested that they talk about the changes to come prior to changing direction.
But since they couldn’t turn back the hands of time, they need to talk about it now. Most importantly, about how hard it is for Tanya to continue to maintain her position as chief operating officer and how some jostling for power and control was normal. Also, they should talk to the children about how life has changed and that she is willing to relinquish some control to their father so that he can assume an equally important role in their lives, even if his way of making mac and cheese isn’t quite the same.
The tricky part for Tanya might be letting go, especially if she doesn’t trust that Paul will meet their children’s needs in entirely the same way she does. Despite this, it would be important, unless she felt that they were unsafe or neglected in his care (in which case the discussion between them would be entirely different), for her to tell the kids that although dad’s ways may be different to hers, that doesn’t mean that hers are better.
This way, she would be supporting Paul and discouraging the kids from calling on her to intervene just because dad wasn’t willing to morph into mom. Sara Dimerman is a psychologist, author and creator of helpmesara.com. Follow her on Twitter @helpmesara.
It’s important for Tanya to tell the kids that although dad’s ways may be different to hers, that doesn’t mean that hers are better