Be careful when sponsoring family members

I’m hoping to prevent someone else from making my mistake of sponsoring my mother to come to Canada.

She’d been physically and emotionally abusive toward me as a child. She blamed my father, who was abusive to both of us.

She’d be violent and abusive, and threaten to kill herself if I didn’t do something she’d told me to do. Once I had an income, I always supported her financially. When I moved to Canada, it was a given that I’d sponsor her.

I let what I thought of as my responsibility cloud my better judgment. So she moved in with me, my husband and our child.

Within weeks, she secondguessed all my parenting decisions, was rude to my spouse and called me names. She had no boundaries and spoke ill of me to my child.

She also made awful racist remarks.

She’d promised to find a job when she moved here, but instead had us pay for everything.

She was financially irresponsible. She’d use the cellphone I gave her for emergencies only to make long-distance calls, though we’d bought a package on our landline. She was drowning us in stress and debt. My relationship with my spouse was in danger because of all this. She’d never do any house chores. I cooked and my husband cleaned and laundered her clothes. When we challenged her or tried to establish boundaries or discuss inappropriate behaviour, she’d make it sound like we were unreasonable.

I needed counselling because I was an emotional mess.

After two years, we realized we couldn’t continue.

I didn’t want to raise my kids in the same unhealthy environment I’d experienced.

I also didn’t want to ruin a wonderful relationship with my spouse. My counsellor told me to make a decision. So I asked my mother to move back to the home country. She refused. Then I asked her to move into a separate place, which I’d rent for her. She instead moved into a shelter.

I believe it was designed to put me into the old guilt mode. This has been our nightmare for several months now. She threatened us with com- plaining about abuse (false), but imagine what that allegation would do, especially with a child in the house. We’ve found that permanent residents in Canada have way more rights than their sponsors. Even though I give my mother money every month, she applied for, and received, social assistance. The government sends that social assistance bill to the sponsors.

My advice to others: listen to your gut. Do not let someone move here and derail your life.

Research this thoroughly before you make a decision that you’ll regret.

The guilt is hard, but my mother knows this and is using it like a fine weapon.

Is this the kind of role model you want to be for your kids?

Would you do this to your child ever? Regret My Decision This woman’s story, and the one that sparked it after appearing in my column May 28, are extremes.

Some people misinterpreted my May response, thinking that I said to not let a parent move in with you. Not so. I understand that it’s an emotional decision that has to be made, so the adult child and spouse must take their time to make this decision, and get professional help from a counsellor to do so.

All the sponsorship factors need to be researched before agreeing to be fully responsible for a very difficult parent. Tip of the day Pursue professional advice before agreeing to sponsor an abusive parent. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice. Email ellie@thestar.ca.