Extended kin shouldn’t meddle with couple’s issues
I’m 26, from Asia and in an arranged marriage. We’d spoken over phone or video chat for three months beforehand. He was then living elsewhere.
I felt he was confident and independent with similar family values. There was little attraction, but I thought spending more time with him would develop it. I met him 10 days before the marriage and then saw that he’s nervous, always gets flustered easily. The more time I spent with him, I was losing interest. Then we got married.
He told me things about himself that showed his low self-esteem and inferiority complex.
It’s been eight months and I’m seeing that he’s a good guy and confident in professional matters, but I’m still not attracted. We didn’t even consummate our marriage. I wanted to feel comfortable with him.
We’re thinking of going to family counselling, but everyone’s blaming me, that it’s my fault.
My family thinks he’s a good guy and that’s enough. But I don’t know how to see him as a romantic partner. What can I do to be attracted to him? Is it my fault that I lost interest? No Chemistry
Tell your family and yourself that “fault” isn’t what’s important — it’s your life and his that matters. Get to counselling together fast. You both may also need some individual sessions.
Look for a “couples’ counsellor,” and read my blog “How to Find a Therapist,” on ellieadvice.com to learn how to make sure the professional you see feels like the right fit for your situation.
Try to handle things just between you two, despite the family’s intense interest. Chemistry is a funny element in relationships. It can be strong for the wrong reasons, and weak for the wrong reasons.
Through counselling, you’ll get to know this person better . . . and it may affect your feelings.
If not, you have a right to not remain in a marriage with someone for whom you feel no attraction. I went out with my husband and his teammates for their end-ofseason party.
During the evening, while having a conversation, one of the guys told me to “shut up,” and whacked me on the arm (not hard enough to bruise). It hurt and I said, “Ow!” My husband did not say anything. The man who hit me was like, “Quit your whining, it wasn’t that hard.” I was shocked and upset — mostly with my husband. In the car on the way home he could see I was visibly upset and stated that he didn’t think it was that bad, “that’s just how (he) is.”
He apologized and said he’d talk to his friend, but he doesn’t seem to get the problem. I didn’t want him to make a scene, but just sitting there gave me the impression that he thinks this is OK.
I’m having a very hard time understanding how someone can be aggressive towards me and this doesn’t bother my husband. Bigger Hurt
His apology was absolutely necessary and states that he understands he was wrong not to react on the spot.
He missed that moment, and then likely didn’t know how to react, and tried to neutralize things by saying it’s “just how (his friend) is.”
If you honestly believe he’d let this happen again, you need to talk more.
Tell him you’d feel unsafe if that were the case, because aggression (insult, assault, rape) often comes not from strangers, but from people known. Once you’ve made your point, drop it.