If your friend is the father, it’s time that he steps up

I have a successful small business and often have young volunteers help me. Also, a good friend who is in his late 50s and single is a handyman whom I call for odd jobs. Last summer, he and a very attractive foreign female volunteer, 19, found “sparks flew between them.”

I asked him to stop his behaviour toward this very impressionable young woman. He ac- cused me of preventing him from having fun.

The volunteer called in early summer and asked to work with us again over the summer months. She’s a great worker. I agreed.

I learned that she was pregnant, alone in the country, in denial, lost on what next steps to take.

She’s staying with me; I’m taking care of her medical bills and available when she needs to talk. Her family has told her to not return home. She named someone as the father, but there’s no apparent interest from him in the baby or her.

Since she’s almost seven months pregnant, I’m more insistent about her making plans for herself, the baby, her future, etc.

Recently, my friend worked here and they were very uncomfortable with each other. She says she met with him over the winter, but their plans to meet several more times never materialized. I asked him when was the last time they met in person. Turns out it was during conception time. Do I ask him if he could be the baby’s father, or leave him out of this situation? Concerned Employer

Tell him directly that the period of conception coincides with the time of their meeting.

Explain her tenuous circumstances and that she needs all the help she can get. Even if they both insist that he’s not the father, she needs emotional and financial support wherever she can get it.

Between the two of you, connect her to a social services agency, make sure she’s being seen by a doctor and has a place to stay once she gives birth.

If you suspect that he is the father, you should strongly advise them to get a DNA test so he can meet his responsibility.

This is now about a lot more than “fun.” My boyfriend and I live together, along with my son, whom he adores. He’s a great father. My own father was never there for me. When I graduated and could leave the house, I practically ran.

Now, he’s always trying to put a wedge between my boyfriend and me. He keeps pushing me to move out and in with a former “friend” with whom I no longer speak.

He won’t talk to my boyfriend directly and won’t listen when I say to stop it. He’s done nothing for me and emotionally scarred me from the past. How do I cut ties completely? Wit’s End

Start with you. Talk to a counsellor about your relationship with your father and why you haven’t been able to establish boundaries with him until now.

If you’ve tried this in the past and he’s remained intrusive, or if you truly feel he’s toxic and that it’s fair to have your son lose contact with this grandparent, then you do need to disengage.

Not with outbursts and threats, but with firm reality. As in, “I’m not moving in with someone else. Either accept my boyfriend and me as a unit, or leave us alone. I want nothing from you.”

This means you can’t be living in his house or depending on him for money. It’s otherwise impossible to cut ties.

If you suspect he is the father, you should strongly advise them to get a DNA test

Tip of the day

Be direct with a friend who may be shirking responsibility as an expectant father. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice