Heed ‘pink flags’ early in relationships
I met my ex-husband at 30 — established mid-career, I owned a condo.
Within week one of dating, he’d revealed being dumped by a woman, then trying to take his own life by crashing his car.
My fixer/helper reflexes kicked in strongly. I’d “rescue” this poor man. He moved in that same week. He picked me up from work every night, and would immediately report what had gone wrong with his day.
Every night he drank heavily (a magnum of wine or half a 40-oz. bottle of whisky). I’m not a drinker so wasn’t sure if this was normal. Within a month, he accused me of cheating if I even looked at a man passing by the car window. He excused his jealousy as loving me so much. I believed it.
We soon married. He first physically abused me on our wedding night. But I related it to the day’s stress and ignored it. He was also very drunk. Within a year, we had our daughter. He wasn’t happy with my postbaby shape.
His control escalated into threats of violence against himself and me. He’d hunt me down for my “wifely duties.” Our second daughter was born the next year.
I slept with our children in one room. He slept on the couch, in the basement, or on the floor, after drinking heavily every night.
His physical threats became actions by the time our oldest daughter was 2. I ran away with our children and never looked back.
It took two years of legal wran- gling to finalize our divorce. I thought we’d reached a workable arrangement.
Now, eight years later, I’ve learned that he’s been putting our children in harm’s way when they visit him.
They often don’t want to go, but under our divorce settlement they must go.
Recently, one of his relatives locked his mother out of their (shared) apartment, where she’d brought my children for a visit. They returned to me with stories of bizarre behaviour by their father’s relatives.
Getting a divorce from a controlling, paranoid, abusive per- son doesn’t mean that the relationship’s over. Think long and hard about committing to a future with someone you have to appease every day, or to whom you have to justify everything. I Thought the Flags Were Pink
I’ve published this woman’s cautionary tale because I hear so often from women, and men too, who’ve entered into unhealthy relationships because they believed they could change or “rescue” someone.
Pink flags are early warning signs. Waiting for red flags to alarm you can delay the damage too long.
Manipulative, controlling, jealous people are adept at making their partners doubt themselves, become insecure and try even harder to mollify the other.
But those efforts just dig you deeper into demeaning and potentially dangerous dynamics.
When children are part of the picture, it can seem hopeless.
This woman finally walked away. But she and her daughters are still exposed to the harmful emotional downfall.
My response to her: It’s good of you to share your story to warn others. But it has made clear that your children need help from the court system, and from counselling, which I’m hoping you already know.
They should not be forced to visit a parent where his and others’ behaviour is bizarre.
Get legal advice about allowing supervised visits only, in a safe place.
And take them to a therapist, soon, to talk about their feelings and any fears they have due to this situation.
His physical threats became actions by the time our oldest daughter was 2. I ran away with our children and never looked back
Tip of the day Beware your “rescuer” reflex in a potential relationship with someone who’s leaning on you; you may become a victim instead. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.