JUDGING A BORROWER BY THE BILL
Beware. Those 40-cents-a-day overdue fees for books from the Toronto Public Library can add up quickly. Some people have learned that the hard way. Through a freedom of information request, the Star obtained the overdue statements of the borrowers who had the highest late fines between Jan. 1, 2014, and May 31 of this year. The list includes the items they checked out, but not the users’ names. They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, but can you judge a library scofflaw by their overdue statement? The Star’s Geoffrey Vendeville asked Mark Kingwell, a philosophy professor at U of T and local comedians Quinn C. Martin and Kathleen Phillips-Locke for help profiling four of these mystery library rule breakers.
The Romantic Mind-Reader - $894.20 A Renaissance man (or woman), lover of the visual arts, music and . . . mind control? The Portable Picasso Romeo and Juliet The Art of Spanish Guitar Brainwash: The Secret History of Mind Control and the video tutorial Mind Control: A Brave New World, or Enhancing Human Performance I Am Bruce Lee TV documentary Kingwell: “Supervillain romantic streak with guitar and young love! Bonus: Picasso as mind control master? You decide.” Martin: “Skinny dude with no choice but to wear a cheap dress shirt, the one you buy at that store Pinstripes that comes with the tie already and shiny dress pants with chest hair showing, two gold chains with some splashes of Old Spice.” Phillips-Locke: “This borrower was planning to use self-hypnosis to turn himself into some kind of Kung Fu Don Juan. Instead he wound up convincing himself that he’s a Spanish guitar.”
The Yuletide Escape Artist - $668 This borrower had a few holiday themed-mysteries to his or her name, including The Christmas Thief, a whodunit about the hijacking of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree — among other items: Jazz manouche and opera CDs Hello, Dolly! Harry Houdini’s Death Defying Acts DVD The Office Season 5 Kingwell: “Can I make myself disappear during the company Christmas party? Hope so, because I’d rather be listening to show tunes.” Martin: “This borrower is in your office right now. She has a cat on her sweater.” Phillips-Locke: “This person loved Christmas and magic and musicals and her job. Then she showed up at the office Christmas party and took everyone hostage. It was an intense nine-hour ordeal during which the theme to A Charlie Brown Christmas by the Vince Guaraldi Trio played on repeat.”
The Budget Bride - $555.80 If the person who took out Broke Ass Brides’ Wedding Guide really is planning a wedding on a shoestring, she must not be too happy with the overdue fine. Also borrowed: Houseplants Even You Can’t Kill Amish Cooks Anniversary Book Freakin’ Fabulous on a Budget Beginner’s Guide to Edible Herbs Kingwell: “Book idea — Witness in a Trailer Park: The Complete Cabbage Casserole and Mustard Greens Diet!” Martin: “White girl with dreadlocks for sure.” Phillips-Locke: “At first the whole commune thing sounded great. Sure she was a city gal, but she could learn to milk a goat or whatever. The sister wives part was a bit weird, but Stacey-Ann said it was like girls’ night every night . . . She left the books behind when she fled the cult.”
Forever Alone - $549.80 This mystery library patron has several issues of the comic books Antman, Batman and the Green Lantern. He or she also had:
Three Swamp Thing books from a series by Alan Moore, the creator of Watchmen. Catwoman Vol. 1: The Game Catwoman Vol. 2: Dollhouse Alone Forever: The Singles Collection, a comic by Liz Prince about being single. Kingwell: “Alone forever is right. Please, please, I’m begging you — put the cosplay outfit back in the closet, tear up that ComicCon ticket and GO OUTSIDE FOR A WALK.” Martin: “This one is wearing whatever’s off the ground that smells decent. Unfortunately he’s been wearing it all week. It’s his Back to the Future 3 shirt, no pants.” Phillips-Locke: “Of all the nerds, he’s the boldest! He goes to the library every day with all of his overdue items in a Game of Thrones trademarked, leatherette satchel, but refuses to submit them to the lady librarian until she agrees to be his permanent girlfriend.”