Artificial intelligence makes good politicians

Robots are everywhere. Robots are the future.

This has become a binary mantra in popular culture. Not a week goes by in which we don’t hear about breakthroughs in artificial intelligence or how “humanlike” robots will become our colleagues, our therapists, our teachers, our doctors, our domestic workers, our lovers.

Never mind the sexbots. If the longest election campaign in modern Canadian history has taught us one lesson, it is that we will continue to get screwed until robots take over as our politicians.

Granted, it will take a while to adjust to the mood change in Ottawa under the multi-tasking, coldcalculating leadership of a Prime Minister Roomba. But as a coalition of androids all on the same side — that is, the side of citizens — apply super-processing speeds and optimized decision-making to the economy, environment, foreign policy, labour, infrastructure, Canada will become the envy of the free world.

The case for replacing our politicians with robots is surprisingly easy to make. All you really need to do is scribble down all the things we’d no longer endure: No more elections. No more wasteful spending. No more partisan dysfunction. No more smear campaigns. No more tedious debates filled with bickering, phoney outrage, intellectual dishonesty and unrealistic promises.

Robots don’t lie. Robots don’t pander. Since robots also don’t have perceived weaknesses, use escalators or even have hair, no more attack ads. Since robots require nothing more than a rechargeable battery and occasional squirt of WD-40, no more financial scandals. Since robots do not use social media or have appalling gaps in their historical knowledge, no more gaffes.

Instead of Question Period, we could have an Answer Gateway, in which robot leaders upload policy explanations directly to chips embedded in our brains: “Here’s why we are lowering taxes . . . Here’s why we are creating a four-day workweek . . . Here’s more news on next month’s sexbot giveaway.”

We could turn Parliament Hill into one big robot factory, salvaging jobs for worthy bureaucrats while ensuring future generations will be spared the antiquated horror of representation by elected human. As the spectacle of government gets replaced by the serenity of efficient governance, it wouldn’t even feel like we were being governed — just led in the right direction.

The most amazing thing is robots are already performing tasks that are way harder than anything they’ll be expected to do in politics.

During a training exercise in Quantico this month, U.S. marines were joined by Spot, a four-legged combat robot. If a robot can navigate inhospitable terrain and identify enemy risks, it can surely formulate a sensible position on the niqab.

At a fashion show for designer Philipp Plein in Milan this month, runway robots helped style the models and played instruments during a musical performance. If robots can play in tune as Courtney Love roams the catwalk and sings “Celebrity Skin” in a fugue state, creating affordable housing should be a breeze.

In Japan this week, a company called Robot Taxi Inc. announced plans for “unmanned” cab service. And this in a country that, as the Wall Street Journal noted, already has hotels run by robots and stores staffed by androids.

Eventually, there will be no human workers left in Tokyo.

That won’t be a concern here because everyone will want to move to Canada to live and prosper in our new robotic democracy. The side benefit is we will also be immune to any threat of a robot uprising: “You already run the country! No need to enslave us further!”

If you think this isn’t a real concern, I encourage you to pick up your iPhone and ask Siri, “Are robots taking over the world?”

Here’s her answer when I asked: “Interesting question.”

In politics, that’s what they call a non-response response. It’s what we’ve been hearing from our human leaders for too long.