A father and son’s road to understanding
While Kevin Newman fought to hold onto his identity in TV news, son Alex was facing a much more personal issue
It wasn’t so much a wedge that drove Kevin Newman and his son, Alex, further apart. It was a basketball hoop. Set in concrete in the backyard of their New Jersey home, it became a permanent symbol of how alienated their relationship had become.
“To me, it was making sure that the annoying thing that happens with basketball hoops, that wobble, wasn’t a problem,” remembers the CTV News journalist, formerly the anchor of Global’s national newscast. “But the cement became on allegory to Alex.” “That was a statement,” Alex added. Misinterpretations are at the heart of All Out, a new book co-authored by the Newmans about their troubled father-son relationship and how they became closer because of their differences.
It chronicles the rise of Kevin’s news career in Canada and the U.S. while trying to be one of those emotionally present ’90s dads. It also tells the story of Alex, now a successful art director in Toronto, who as a teen struggled in isolation with his sexuality while manoeuvring the bullies at school and the expectations of his father at home.
“Fathers and sons are extremely complicated, but they don’t really open up about it,” said Alex, referring to their emotions.
“Every relationship is a little bit different, but I think when people read the book they’re going to put themselves in our shoes and allow themselves to understand the complexity of that relationship. Because, until now, we haven’t come across something that talks about the complexity of this.”
It was their editor, Kate Fillion, who suggested both men write their chapters in isolation to prevent them from influencing each other’s memories. She kept an eye on the storyline, making sure both their recollections intersected, but it wasn’t until the book was finished that Alex and Kevin read what the other had written.
“My parents were learning things. I was learning things. It was quite emotional,” said Alex.
He recorded on his phone the moment his parents first read his chapters. Kevin describes it as a “stunned” moment, when he and his wife, Cathy, realized the degree of emotional suffering their son experienced. He was being bullied at school and felt isolated, without ever telling his parents.
“There was stuff that happened that we had no idea about,” said Kevin.
The book is revealing in other ways. Both men are very much alike. Both grew up around strong female role models, having a preference for the arts instead of sports, and were teased at school for it. Both were also going through an identity crisis at exactly the same time. The co-host of Good Morning America, Kevin was told he needed to be more masculine, more likable. He was told his hair needed to be a certain way, his eyelashes were dyed so they would pop beneath his glasses and he went to a personal trainer.
He was billed as the “quarterback,” tasked with leading the Good Morn- ing America team to first place in the morning news business.
“Network television news tries to push you into conformity and question who you are, and almost tries to create a plastic persona that is recognizable to focus groups but runs the danger of being unrecognizable to yourself.”
At home, the elder Newman was also placing pressure on his son to change his image and perhaps become less a target for bullies. He bought him Sum 41, Dave Matthews Band and Creed CDs to improve his taste in music, took him on fatherson bonding trips and installed that basketball net.
“You went through those struggles
“I think if Alex had known me better — the whole me better — we might not have been through a period of testing for as long as it lasted.” KEVIN NEWMAN CTV NEWS JOURNALIST, AUTHOR OF ALL OUT
as a young person and tried to stop me from going through those same situations,” Alex said to his dad during the interview. “At the same time, I was stubborn and wanted to alienate myself from those situations.”
“He was always a puzzle to me,” said Kevin. “I would attempt these things as a kid and fall apart, and beat myself and hate myself that I wasn’t who my father wanted me to be. That was not Alex’s case. Alex was, ‘No, I am fine not being this and back off.’ It just turned out he knew himself better at his age than I did when I was his age.”
The key to developing a strong and healthy father-son relationship, Kevin said, is to realize your son is also a man.
“When they reach the age of emotional vulnerability, stop trying to be their hero. I think if Alex had known me better — the whole me better — we might not have been through a period of testing for as long as it lasted.”