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LIFE & STYLE
Cover: Last month’s rumour was that Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton are dating, so this month they must be getting married, in the logical and inevitable progression known by 6-year-old girls everywhere. She has unspoken doubts, according to an insider who apparently reads minds, adding Gwen doesn’t want to rush into having more kids. Like me, Gwen is 46; for my part, I don’t want to rush into a UFC career, but I figure the decision has kinda been made for me. Hanks for the memories: Life & Style’s regular career-path tracker takes on Tom Hanks; we now know this is written by the star’s camp, as it omits his first starring movie — the semidisgraceful Bachelor Party — and says his cross-dressing sitcom Bosom Buddies was a “cult favourite.” Take it from someone old enough to remember: this can only be true if they mean, say, the Branch Davidians.
STAR
Cover: Kim Kardashian wants to befriend the Duchess of Cambridge — Kate Middleton, as jumped-up commoners in the republican world know her — and sees her as a peer. The royals (the old-timey ones, that is) want nothing to do with this, but here’s hoping Kim persists; this just might land her in the stocks. A pop package: The gone-viral pictures of Justin Bieber’s member got a clever response on Twitter from one follower: “what do you feed that thing?” That tweeter was Bieber’s father. So let’s recalibrate our standards for the Bieb, who genetically is half-Christian, half-creep. Swift end: Calvin Harris’s trip to a massage parlour has cost him the affections of Taylor Swift. She could have forgiven him, but “Harris” rhymes with “embarrass” and a songwriter can’t pass that up.
IN TOUCH
Cover: Selena Gomez’ lupus problem mixes poorly with her drinkin’-‘n’-smokin’ ways, picked up on the set of Spring Breakers. Whether it’s an ailment or Rise of the Planet of the Apes, James Franco is always to blame. No spoonfuls of sugar: Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt are vying for the title role in a Mary Poppins remake, and it’s a tie in one regard: if either svelte starlet opens that fabled umbrella, wind could easily hurl them skyward, no special effects needed.