Wills can treat children differently
I am 82 years old; my husband just died, so now I need a will of my own. I have two daughters; one of them, “A,” is married to a wonderful man and has three adult children. The other daughter, “B,” is married to someone I detest; he’s an abuser who has treated her badly since they met — I’ve seen bruises to prove it. I plan to leave half my estate to each daughter, but when I spoke to the lawyer, he asked, “What do you want to happen if one of your daughters predeceases you?” I’m stuck. I want A’s husband and kids to get her share if, God forbid, she dies before me, but I don’t want B’s husband to get a penny. Obviously I need to treat both girls the same, but I can’t think of an ethical way out of this mess. Help!
Sometimes things that are “obvious” aren’t actually true.
The mistake you’re making is common, especially among folks a lot younger than you. The notion that all kids in a family should be treated the same is false.
From the moment they launch themselves kicking and squirming down the chute, babies are individuals; some need to be gently extracted from the womb with careful medical intervention, placed on respirators, kept in ICU.
Others just pop out, begin breathing on their own, and exchange high-fives in the delivery room. And so it begins. Some infants breastfeed like they were born for it; others spit, spew, then barf it all up and order soy. Some toddlers naturally eat healthy foods; others need constant monitoring to be sure they don’t survive on chocolate bars and coke. Some 8-year-olds go to their rooms after supper and do their homework; others need a parent standing over them, maniacally threatening catastrophic consequences “if you don’t finish that damned math.”
When they’re 16, some need to be bailed out of jail; others sail through high school, win all the awards, and go to Costa Rica to build houses for poor people. Every parent with multiple kids knows exactly what I’m talking about.
And because kids don’t come in matching sets (even when they’re twins, and look identical to strangers), any notion that we should treat our kids the same is just, well, silly — and I suspect you know that perfectly well. But sometimes, when we’re raw from fresh grief, we don’t see things as clearly as we otherwise might.
So get yourself to a lawyer you trust. Explain exactly what you want to happen: i.e., you want both daughters to get half; if A dies before you do, you want her family to get her share. But if B dies first, then you want A and her family to get 100 per cent of the estate. And you want to be sure that Mr. B doesn’t get his abusive paws on a nickel — regardless of who dies first. Any decent lawyer should be able to set that up — and it’s perfectly ethical.
With any luck, you’ll survive to 100, spend your last cent and outlive Mr. B by a decade. Send your questions to star.ethics@yahoo.ca