Avoid men who declare their love right away

Why are men in their 40s and 50s so needy? I’m 42, divorced and on my own for the past 10 years. My son is away at college.

I’m busy with full-time work, a widowed mother who needs visits and my female friends.

I thought I was ready for dating, but I keep meeting men who decide they’re in love by the second date and want to make serious plans. One even asked me to move into his house on the first date!

They say it’s because I’m “beautiful and so nice,” but I’m uncomfortable because even if they seem nice, I think they’re ridiculous to have serious feelings so soon.

It seems like they need some one to take care of them.

Or am I stupid, and all they really want is sex? Ridiculous Proposals You obviously have attractive qualities, but you’re also smarter than those men realized.

Your limited sample of men in that age group did indicate a rush to secure a girlfriend and yes, of course that means sex right away.

No need for a long getting-toknow-you stretch of talking, wooing or paying for dinners out.

Flatter a good candidate right away, and there are homemade meals and sex a lot sooner . . . or so those particular men seemed to think.

Needy? Well, some men are. So are some women, as evidenced by the numbers who’ve written me of their disappointment that early dating didn’t arouse an equally early commitment from the guys.

Perhaps by age 40s and 50s, there are plenty of people in both sexes who want companionship and love, but don’t want the “work” involved in building a relationship of respect and trust.

They’re in a hurry to just be settled with someone. But it’s a foolish rush and you’re wise enough to recognize that reality.

It’d be a rare but risky situation if you’d responded similarly, packed your bag and attached yourself to one of those men’s little-known lives.

Keep dating positively, but look for the man with the growing, not fastest, interest in you.

My best friend and her husband just had their first baby, a son. My friend’s over the moon but there’s a dark shadow on her happiness.

Her husband doesn’t talk to his family (two brothers, sisters-in- law, their kids, and his divorced mother). They all live here in town.

My friend says she doesn’t fully understand the reason, but she can’t cross him on this. He’s been distanced from them since his mom’s divorce from his stepfather. His father died when he was young.

My friend’s parents visited for two weeks before the birth and two weeks after, but they live across the country.

Should she contact her husband’s mom? No Baby Welcome

Not now. It’s the wrong time to be at odds with her husband, even though she doesn’t understand his attitude toward his family.

Friends like you are important now for support. She needs to focus on her own well-being and that of her infant.

But there will come a time when her husband’s isolation must be confronted. Because it extends unfairly to his wife and son.

Something affected him deeply. His response is over-the-top, so the cause needs to be explained.

Otherwise, other perceived upsets may cause him to withdraw from her parents, other relatives and friends, even his wife.

He likely needs therapy to face up to the situation, his reaction and how it affects others.

Your friend will eventually have to raise this suggestion, for his sake, as well as for his own family’s stability.

Tip of the day When love’s declared way too soon, it easily fades as quickly.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice